Wednesday, December 15, 2010

An Open Letter

It is your favorite cartoon writer, Stick figure ( I showed this girl how to Deck The Halls, Now she knows how to treat my holiday balls. I have been so naughty that Santa will leave me coal. It doesn't matter, when I am done with Mrs. Claus, I will melt her North Pole.) Dan. We are counting the days till Christmas or as I like to refer to it. See how many pounds of fudge Richard can pack away mas. I have decide in the spirit of the holiday that I needed to send a few open letters to some Holiday characters. These bastards of Christmas have gotten away with to much for far too long. I am gonna put these mother fuckers in their place.

Dear Rudolph,

I have heard of Dancer and Prancer, Comet, and Cupid. When they start talking about you one thing comes to mind, How in the fuck can you become famous from having a fucking cold and where can I sign up? You live in the North Pole, a heat wave there is when it goes above -5 degrees. Coincidentally that is also the same temperature of Richard's sex life. If you would have had a box of Puffs, you would have never been famous. I aslo have come to the conclusion that you can not fly. I am guessing Santa had one to many glasses of egg nog with a special ingredient. (Jack Daniels) Some how you jumped, probably was spooked by your own shadow. Wait, I have it. Jack Frost was fucking.. I mean nipping at your nose. That explains. Stop living a lie and write the truth in a tell all book. Everyone is doing it. (Sarah Palin, I am looking at you.)

SFD Mother Fucker

Dear Frosty the Snowman,

You are a very jolly soul. That makes sense cause your fat and it would be the only way people will talk to you. Have you ever sit down and thought about your existence. If you smoked the pipe, IT WOULD MELT YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF!!!!! You sir are a DUMBASS. A button nose, alright someone read a Dr.Suess book and wanted you to instead look like Cindy Lou Who. Two eyes made of coal. This is the big one. You were created by two kids on Santa's naughty list. That is the only explanation those hoodlums would have to having coal. No, wonder you got popular. All the bad kids liked you. I wonder how many times you got torched? If I ever meet you, I am gonna catch you. I am gonna tie your fat ass up. Stick you in my NuWave oven. Watch you scream for mercy. When you are completely melted, I am gonna drink all the water and Piss on the kids that made you.

Stick Figure Dan

Dear George Bailey,
It's A Wonderful Life isn't it. Get to come home to your, I dont know how many kids you have. I lose track each year. Your smoking hot wife. There is part of me that would like to tell you something from everyone that don't like you or your movie. Why couldn't you have just jumped and spared us the misery of NBC showing you 4 times in a month. That is 4 hours a week that could be used for other things like, reruns of Chuck, maybe an all night marathon of Andy Barker P.I. That is all.

Figure it Out
Stick Figure Dan.

I had to get these off my chest. I hope you have a very Dan Christmas.