Tuesday, January 04, 2011

The Forgotten Fat Twilight Vampire And Key Lime Pie Yogurt

My sister asked me if I would be able to take down their Christmas decorations. Being the wonderful brother and person I am, I said yes. I again would like to add I am a glutton for punishment. Little did I know that this night would turn into UFC meets a really bad CW sitcom.

I start doing my duties of taking down the fake tree that you hang stuff on. In her house it is also known at cat toy number 11. I am in the process of removing tinsel and watching Stanford beat the hell out of Virginia Tech. Have you ever tried to take down tinsel that cats have played with. Fuck that shit. I get all of it off the tree to find out I have it in one giant wad. My sister starts laughing at me. I wish there was a brother union. I would have went on strike right then and there. I pick up the wad of silver tinsel, (which hung around my neck for awhile. The only thing I could think of is Liberace must have had a very itchy neck) and throw it in her general direction! Ha! She untangled it. That plan worked to perfection. I was the one who probably got it in the knots it was in and not the cats. Oh well, she got it worked out and wrapped around the naughty pillow. A little advice all the pillows are naughty if you know what I am saying.

The tinsel is done. On to the ornaments. YAY! Almost every ornament she has is covered in the worst substance known to man. Nope, its not Vegemite. Sorry Australia. It is glitter. Each time I put away an ornament it looks like I have given a hand job to a pixie. Not knowing that it was all over my hands, I rubbed my face. Every time I would hit the light just right, I would look like the forgotten Fat Twilight Vampire. At this moment, I am catching hell from my sister, my nephew, my niece, God, and the murph.

My sister begins dinner. She like to cook food that many of us have never heard nor would ever hear of unless we you get boners from watching the Food Network. (Is it weird it is easier for me to get turned on watching a cooking show than a porno?) She made Gnocchi. Each time she would mention it, I thought the Jersey Shore added a new character. It is an Italian dish, that the main ingredient is a potato dumpling. In all honesty they looked like a small egg. I am thinking my sister has just injected us with the virus that causes people to turn into zombies. Heed my warning, If The Zombie Apocalypse happens, please send your hate mail to Danielle C/O The Buzz Kill Blog. Thank you.

The tree is down, the ornaments are down, the alien egg is down and waiting to hatch in my belly. Time to drink a beer and listen to the Murph tell stories that will be used in the future. The Murph and my nephew have the bright idea, they wonder if a BB will go through a Bud Light can. The hallway gets turned into the ok corral and the victim, A poor lonely can of Bud Light. That can had a family Damn it! Shot after Shot, The empty can was getting filled with more lead than A president watching a play in the 1860s. Was that a little much. Nah! I continued to watch the Orange Bowl. I figured this way I was at less risk of ricochet. That is all I need is to have a BB hit me in the ass and take me out of the love making lineup. The Murph decided to freak everyone out and pretend he was gonna shoot everyone who was standing in the ass with a BB. I am happy I am sitting. My nephew runs down the hall peeking out his door to make sure that Murph doesnt have the gun. My niece is screaming like she got a hug from Justin Bieber. My sister is freaking out saying the schnozberries taste like schnozberries and the Murph was shooting rounds in the air like it was the old west. At least that's how I pictured it when I went to the bathroom to hide like the little bitch I am.

The Murph pulls out his Jack Daniels Zippo. Like referenced in the Drunk files, the only man he will have inside of him is Jack. Well, he pretends he is going to burn my sisters ass. As he goes down towards her ass she knocks the lighter out of his hand. Guess who the lighter hits. Still lit to add. That is right. Me. I could have died. Now, I know what a lobster feels before put in a pot of boiling water.

Last but certainly not least, came the decision after all this to eat some yogurt. Great! Let's just give more reason to make fun of the guy covered in glitter. She ask me if I have tried the Key Lime Pie Yogurt. I love some Key Lime Pie. She goes to the fridge to get it and my niece grabs it. My sis says that better not be the last one. She it isn't. Turns out, that was the last one. And the fight was on! They are wrestling and laughing over who was gonna get the yogurt. This battle was waged in three rooms of the house with my sister winning because of help by my nephew. I was sitting on the couch laughing and continuing watching the game. The Murph was laughing and poking people on Facebook. My niece and My sis called a truce. And the war was over. No one really one except everyone making fun of me due to the fact if you hung me up I would have made one hell of a disco ball.

There is never a dull moment!