Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The UnWritten Rules To Dating

I have a small question to ask all the people that are trying to find someone special. Why can't the person of your dreams car just break down in front of your house and then the rest of your life begin that way? Oh, my bad, I forgot fairy tales are about as real as Kristin Stewart's acting ability. Let me kinda go into details as to why I feel this way. I recently met a girl. The first time are eyes met, there was some cheesy 80s pop music going through my head at least. Case in example, please look at The Retro Music Video from a a week or so ago. It was Walking On Sunshine. Does anyone actually listen to that song just to listen to it? I am thinking the answer is hand down, NO! I was a very happy little lady. We decided to have a relationship. Holy SHIT BALLS!!! I made a move. A move that was so big U Haul would have been charging me extra. Everything was going great. We couldn't stop talking. She was someone, I could share things with and I knew that happiness was only a few seconds away. One week later the new relationship smell wore off pretty damn quick in her eyes. Facebook is a very bad tool to know that someone is not just that into you anymore. She was posting that someone still haunted her dreams. I thought Freddy Kreuger was just a movie character. I wish that was the problem instead she decided to tell me that she was still in love with her ex. Good Times! Good Times! I have been confused like a bisexual in an orgy. One minute she was really happy and excited and the next minute she was ready to drop me like it's hot.

That last relationship made me sit and think that maybe I should take a step back to look around at what's going on. I have officially announced my retirement from dating and trying baseball. Hopefully, during this time frame, I can play basketball with the Looney Tunes and save the world from the monstars. In all honesty, I have decided that I need to make rules for dating. Rules that not only I should live by when dating, that you the readers should take some of these rules to heart. We will be introducing new rules periodically. So that you do not make the same mistakes I have or some of the people I know have.

I start off with a guest writer. My friend Amee jotted down rule #1 and its a good one.

As a California girl born and bred dating in Arkansas is a whole new experience. After a few disastrous yet sometimes amusing dates, I am going to share with you rule number 1.
I have had a few dates where before I even get closer than 10 feet to the guy I can smell his breath. While sometimes this is understandable, like if on the way to the date he was munching on an onion or something and didn’t have time to brush or chew some gum before he arrived. Most of the time bad breath is NOT okay. So I walk up to the guy, smiling and trying not to inhale through my nose and he smiles back at me and OH NO not only does he have bad breath but he is missing half his teeth. Right then and there I know this guy is not getting a 2nd date.

Rule 1A. Amee is so right about dating someone with bad breath, however I want to add an amendment to her rule. If their breath smells like beef jerky, it is more than acceptable to move in cause who doesn't love meat unless you are Fiona Apple. Beef Jerky = 2nd and 3rd date.

Rule 202:

If you are dating someone the feelings will start to grow over time. Without a doubt things will be brought up after a while. It is not acceptable to tell someone you are on a date with that when you masturbate you think of them. Don't get me wrong when you hit that third date the idea of sex has crossed our mind but to tell them that you masturbate about them is more like 5th date or marriage kinda statement.

Rule 77:

After a long period of dating, you begin to trust that person. You start to share things that a normal couple of people wouldn't share. Food, Car, underwear!!! Women's underwear makes a man feel more free. Trust me! I know. Now, if you let them borrow your car cause you are with them, make sure that they aren't planning to sell your car and run away to Mexico. Rule 77 make Sure your heart is the only thing they steal.

Rule 24:

Dates can be done in many many ways. The best thing is to get to know the person you are on a date with better. One of the easiest ways to do this is going to dinner.  A good conversation of a really good meal can make or break some relationships. However, one place you should never take a first date, a truck stop. Granted truck stops have really amazing food 75% percent of the time. Not a good first date spot, it kinda makes you look what is the term I am going for. Have you ever been in KMART? they have what you need but it makes you feel so skanky that you need a shower. That is what a first date at a truck stop would be like.

That does it for this installment of The UnWritten Rules. Please keep some notes and be prepared for the test at the end of the semester.