Monday, July 04, 2011

The Drunk Files

I love holidays. However, nothing screams the 4th of July more than getting drunk on a cheap American made beer. It's a lot of fun, to be drunk and shoot off bottle rockets at unsuspecting drunker idiots. A bottle rocket to the crotch will change everything. No more making babies. That is why the they sell those little things in a gross. Well, with all this talking about getting drunk, I think it is time to dive in the folders and pull out the next edition of The Drunk Files!!!! If you have not read a Drunk Files before that mean you have that new reader smell, or you are Stevie Wonder. Was that joke a little to much? Nah, I didn't think so either. This is the drunken exploitations of one single man simply known as The Murph! We have to hide his name to protect him from the Hillbilly Mafia! Those are some bad ass mother (Shut Your Mouth) This installment is called “The Watermelon Crawl”

It was a hot Summer Day. The cooler was filled Milwaukee's Best, Steel Reserve and a gallon jug filled with a concoction that I like to call an Expensive Redneck Screwdriver. I bet you are asking yourself what the fuck is that. Well, its a mix of Tang and Goldschl├Ąger! I have a hard on for Tang. I love the fact I can get it cheap. It's not going in me unless its cheap or maybe with a little cocoa butter.

A bunch of my redneck brethren decided to head to the river. We didn't have any inner tubes so we used some old tires, and an inflatable mattress!!! I am laying on the inflatable mattress drinking some Steel reserve getting my tan on. Each person had there own cooler. My cooler doubled as tool box in the back of The Murph Mobile. My cooler was sitting right next to me on mattress. I know you are thinking that could never float. Well I had me a king size mattress. Gotta have enough room , if I meet some trashy blonde bitches. I lay there getting my cheap beer on. We arrive at our destination. 4 hours, 28 beers later, I must say walking a straight line could be a problem for me. We only have one vehicle to get back to ours and that is a 1997 Ford Ranger. We are gonna 8 drunken bastards in a pick up that can only hold 3 people in the front. 4 if you aren’t fat. We are gonna have to pile in the back. We decide that 4 will ride in the front and 4 in the back.

The campsite we parked at was full of hippies and not the pot smoking Woodstock hippies. Those are the fun hippies. I am talking about the tofu fucking tree hugging hippies, who think beer and pick ups are bad. We decided to fuck their world up. The 8 of us drank about 70 beers in four hours. Not considering I drank the biggest part of those bad boys. They stop us as we are putting our stuff in the truck. They told us we aren't being green by driving this pick up truck. What the fuck does going green mean? Is it where you eat your green veggies. They tell us it means not polluting the environment, killing animals, or driving around gas guzzlers. Fuck that shit. I am gonna trow these can where ever the hell I want, I am gonna eat my steak where it is still mooing at me and pay for it with money that I pull from my leather wallet. The bigger and louder the auto mobile, the fucking better. We were deciding how to fuck with them. Then it hit us. We have to pee. Beer runs through me like, well beer. We decide to pee in the cans and throw them in their army of Toyota Priuses. We take our urine filled cans of revenge, and throw them right in their pussy mobiles. The temp was 104 so some good steamy urine should make those hippie bastards day just a little better! It's time get the fuck outta there before we piss off some hippies to the point where they write a letter about us.

We decide to head down the highway cause it would be quicker to get back to our cars. Plus, I am ready to get home, I might be drunk but there is a cold Bud Light in the fridge with my name on it. I can taste it now. It taste like sex and tobacco. Half way in between the two place we see a huge field and in this field one thing and one thing only. Watermelons!!! Leave it to 8 drunk people to decide to look around to see if anyone is coming. We come to a complete stop. All 8 of us had the same idea. Piss again and steal us some mother fucking watermelons. We set up method for our madness. We have 6 people in an assembly line style putting watermelon after watermelon in the back of the pickup truck. I am wondering where in the fuck are we gonna sit? How are 4 people gonna sit in the back of a truck with 33 watermelons? The other two guys were watching out for vehicles coming down the road. If they see one they are supposed to yell the one thing that will make a redneck man freeze in his tracks. It's the OLD LADY!!!! We stop what we are doing and jump in that truck faster than Bo Duke and Luke Duke did into the General Lee! The car was quite a bit away. We take off like we weren't doing a thing wrong at all.

We are diving and obeying the law as much as 8 drunk guys could. The car keeps gaining on us faster and faster. We slow down to let the car pass us. The closer it gets to us the more we realize that this isn't a normal driver. This car belongs to the Police. SON OF A BITCH!!!!! The car has caught up to us. He hasn't flipped his lights on us yet. I am guessing at this moment in time he is running our plates. He follows us for another mile. Then out of nowhere. BAM! The lights and sirens come on. SHIT!!! He is after us now. He wants to pull us over. Oh hell, NO!!!!! The driver looks at us and we give him the nod. We take off like a Bat Outta Hell. The cop is staying behind us the entire time. We take a turn down a dirt road. I know he isn't gonna be able to make this turn without wrecking. We fish tail but we are experienced drunk drivers and you shouldn't try this on any normal road. A dirt road is a completely different story. Fuck Me Running, that damn cop mad the turn. It's like we are trying to outrun a damn Nascar driver. He is right behind us. There is one bad ass S-curve coming. If he makes this curve, hell if we make this curve without losing anyone riding in the back I am gonna change my name to Delilah. Here comes the curve, this ride is better than any at some damn theme park. We made it. I can breathe a sigh of relief. You have got to be fucking Kidding me? This is the most persistent cop I have ever seen in my entire life.

We have to think of a way to start to slow this guy down. Then it hit me. We need to start throwing the watermelons at him. I pick one up and throw it at the hood the car. We missed. But damn he swerved worse than we were. Bombs away. Another miss. We are making him slow down. 10 watermelons down and finally Bulls Eye!. I sunk his mother fucking Battleship. We can't see him anymore but we still hear the sirens in the distance. We take a curve after hitting him. I am bailing off this sin wagon. I jump in the ditch and hide in a mud hole. I hear the cop drive by. I am not going down in a blaze of glory. I kindly tucked my tail. However, there was two more cop cars go by us. If it wasn't for Bear Grylls, I wouldn't have been able to last those 17 minutes. That was the most miserable time of my life.

I was able to get away without going to prison. However,there is a moral to this story. That moral is if you piss in a can and throw them in a hippies car make sure the you don’t drop the recent to the beer you bought with your debit card. I hate hippies.