Friday, July 15, 2011

There is Nothing in the mirror

I know this is going to sound really crazy And partially because I am crazy. Have you ever wondered thought about just throwing your arms up in the air and quitting. I sometimes sit and wonder if people would actually miss me if I was gone. I have been beating myself up over the last few days. It really doesn't matter what people say about us cause we can get over it. It is what we say about ourselves is what cuts the deepest. I tend to but blame on myself for a lot of my problems. I feel they are kinda trivial. At least that is how I feel someone who doesn’t know me looking from the outside sees it.

We all make promises to our parents that we can't keep. I try not to break my promises cause a word is a bond. My mom looks at me and says, “ Promise me you won't put me in a nursing home.” I told her I wouldn't. I had no clue that she would have a stroke that would speed up her Alzheimer’s and Dementia. It broke my heart seeing the woman that raised me, become a shell of herself. There are days she didn't even know who I was. The inevitable happened and I had to break my promise to her and put her in the nursing home. I know I am told she is in better care and I know that. I couldn't give her the care that she gets now. However, it still doesn’t ease that pain in my heart. I finally got a chance to see her in May for the first time in over a year. Don't I have a wonderful family. No one wanted to see her but me. I cared for her and not just saying I did for the sympathy people give. I busted my ass for over 6 months taking care of her and thanks to people I thought were the ones who cared. I feel like the absolute worst son in the world. Is this stupid for bothering me, I have no clue at all.

I have been around more and more friends lately and yet I still feel like the loneliest person on the planet. It has been two years since I was in a real relationship. I miss being able to have that one person I can share everything with. The person, I can call in the middle of the night when I am feeling down and they pick me up. I am doing the wonderful world of dating but I still feel like I haven’t found that person yet. I think I am just doing something wrong or it's my health. Who would want to be with someone who blacks out and spits up blood. I know I wouldn't. I just want to find my best friend. I haven't been in a real relationship in over two years and realized how much I missed the little things, thanks to the last situation I went through. I just want to find someone that will be able to show me the love, that I can show them. I feel like maybe, I am asking way to much.

There are little things also that are getting to me, I have been made to feel guilty cause I left, I have been constantly told I am a failure, it gets very old very quickly. I really do feel like with everything I have done lately that they are right and I am a failure. I have no clue. It is just how I see it.

Well, The other day, a friend of mine texted me asking me if I was ok. I told her what I was going through. She told me to look in the mirror and tell her what I seen. I saw that I am a shell of my former self, then I saw nothing. It's weird to look in the mirror and not see a thing. Maybe it means I am a vampire or I am just broken right now. I have talked numerous times on here about my health. It is something I don't hide but I think I know what is causing it. I think honestly after losing my home, breaking my promise, and everything few in far between, love loss. I think I can actually diagnosis myself. I think I am gonna die of a broken heart and there might not be enough duct tape in the world to repair it.