Thursday, December 15, 2011

Not Another Christmas Story Part 1!!!

Wow, I can't believe it has been almost a year since I rescued Santa Claus from the evil clutches of the Murph and Shaggy. Kinda crazy to sit down and think about it. There has been so much that has happened. I really hope you don't mind me telling the story. If you do, I am offering cookies and milk after reading part 3. Let me start off as to what started the whole story last year. My health. What a difference a year makes. I don't throw up blood anymore. That excites me in places that hasn't been exciting in a very very long time. However, I still blackout on regular occasion. I wish I could help that but alas, I can not. It could be worse though. I could have had a gay sexual relationship with one Mr. Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. I do feel better than I did though. That itself is a Christmas miracle from last year.

If you remember the story from last year. I had it bad for one of Santa's elves. I really should use the term elf. She was the Elf. Well, that went from North Pole to South Pole very very quickly. She and I had a decent relationship for a little while. It was kinda hard to see her though. She lived at the North pole and I lived in small town Arkansas. I think somewhere at sometime in my life, I read that Long distance relationships do not work. Well, whoever wrote that, was hitting the nail right on the damn head. We would see each other each time we could. She would come see me and I would go see her. In hindsight going to see her was also a way that I got to hang with the big guy. More about that later. I fell hard for an elf. Which really isn't hard to do. Have you seen the workforce Santa has. DAMN!!! One night out of the clear blue. She asked me if the feelings I had were true. I of course pulled out my best Chad Brock impression and I Said; “Yes.” And she Said “WOW. I want you to prove it” I wasn't going to let her down. I used our teleporter. I set the cooridnates to be 20 miles away from Santa's workshop. If I was going to do this, I am going to do it right. I walked 20 miles in the snow uphill both ways. The wind was whipping the ear bud right out of my ears. Yeah, it was tad bit nasty out there. I made it but not with out the snowburn from hell. ( A Snowburn is when the sun hits the snow just right and will turn you pink like a salmon.) I made it and not being able to feel my feet, my hands, and my ass has never been this cold. I am warm blooded this is nucking futs is what this is. I showed up at the doorstep to the workshop. She looked at me and I looked at her. In that one split moment, My life was changed for at least a week. Hello DUM DUM DUM, Friend Zone. EWWWWWW. I walked 20 miles in the freezing cold only to be told that she was going to go back to one of the Easter Bunny's helpers. I should throw in this side note. If you didn't know the Easter Bunny is ,How do I put this, a homosexual. He only has men working for him for his holiday rush. Try to think of it this way, It's like a Village People Concert but with more mustaches and ass less chaps. She broke my heart my heart on the door steps to Santa's workshop. My heart was broken. The only thing I could do is, get the fuck away. Move as far as I possibly can. The farther away the better. I decided to move 30 miles from where I was now. No one will find me!!! Cue my evil Laugh Bwahahahahahahaha.

I tell you that to get to the present. I have been dating a girl for a little bit now. She has flipped my life around. I really hope she doesnt flip me like a house though. I don't want to be sold for money. I did that once and that was enough. She is the kinda girl that will make you smile at the worst appropriate time. I have to say I love that. We are into the same things and not at the same time. I don't really know if that makes much sense to you or not. It really doesn't to me either but it sounded good.

One night we are laying in bed getting our cuddle on while watching a movie who starred this one guy who was in that other move and things went boom. We were watching What Women Want. The mood kinda just strikes us right. I look into her eyes, She looks into mine. We both wanted some wal mart pizza. Hell to the yeah. The take and bake pizzas from wally world are the bomb diggidy yo. It looks like a trip to the most depressing place in world is in order. The gas station. Gas prices are expensive, just saying. After filling up the Golden Chevy Beast, I still can't believe that a girl that sexy drives a pick up. I will never understand the country girl thing, will I? I am guessing that answer is a big fat no. We get to Wal Mart. Alex just looked me. “Do you feel something weird is about ready to happen?” I replied. “ Doesn't that happen every time we go into a Wal mart at 2 in the morning. I really hope those Elmo Footsie Pjs, don't get you put on people of walmart.” She smacked me like any self conscious girl in a pair of footie pajamas would do. The weather outside was 60 degrees when we walked in. It was a very warm night to be only two days before Christmas. The target was spotted and we grabbed the 16 inch supreme pizza. I knew when I got home, I was going to get my pizza on, Damn it. I was a little wrong. Ok! More than a little, I was dead wrong.

We checked out. We picked up a couple of other things as well. We picked up some crackers and cookies. Have to have something for the sweet tooth, right? The two of us are heading out the door. There is laughing and joking from the both of us. This night is going to be fun, at least that is what I had planned out in the back of my mind. The doors parted and we were greeted with a hlaf inch of snow on the ground and a 14 degree temperature. I knew then that something weird was going to happen as she said it would it earlier. We get in the truck. She turns on the cd player blaring out some Miley Cyrus. That is my girl Y'all.

We start heading back to the Solitude of nerdom when all of a sudden a burst of white light comes out of no where. I thought it was the end of the world. I can't count or tell time, it's only 2011. It seemed like everything had slowed down to a snails pace. It was like Zack Morris said Time Out on Saved By The Bell. A White GMC Yukon Denali comes appearing out of nowhere. I haven't even been smoking and after seeing that I am now thinking I have a problem. A&E will love to have me on that intervention show. I swear. What is going on here? That is all I could think. The Denali has stopped right infront of us. Alex has road rage. She started laying on the horn. Do you remember that episode of Spongebob when Patrick and him were using the word enhancers. Every time they would say a bad word something else would happen so you wouldn't actually know what they said. This is the same storyline. Just replace Spongebob and Patrick with my lady and the car horn as the censorship. This is what was happening.


That about sums it up right there. She gets out of the truck and she is pissed. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn with road rage. The drivers side door was blocked by the truck so she couldn't get to the driver. So she did the next the best thing she grabbed the passenger. She pulled the person out of the passenger seat and got in her face. The person begins to cry. Then she realized it was just an older couple. A doctor and his wife. They told they know some great ways she can help with her road rage. I am just worried to ride home with her but I will say this. Angry sex is the best sex. A second Denali comes screeching up to the passenger side of the truck. This is the original car that cut us off. The white light happens again. Everything freezes. I feel like I am having a small case of Deja Vu. I really hope this isn't what I think it is.

The driver side door opens. A white fog comes out of the car. I am all excited, I am going to meet Snoop Dogg. I look back over to see Christine getting out of the car. I haven't seen her since all that shit went down between us. She walks over to me. “ I have been looking everywhere for you. There is an emergency up north and you are the only one who can help us.” I asked “What is going on?” She wouldn't tell me. The only thing she said that “I need to assemble my team together quickly and get ready for a mission. A mission from God. That was over dramatic but I watched Blues Brothers last night on a girls night with some of the other elves.” I tell her “I am not leaving without Alex. You have to unfreeze her and now. I will warn you. She will be pissed.” Christine is reluctant at first but she unfreezes her. Now, a mans worst nightmare is when the new girl and an old flame meet. This is not going to go well either way for him. Guess what, my balls are gonna be viced in 5...4...3...2...1.

“Who the hell is this bitch and why is she wearing pointy shoes?” Alex says looking at christine

“ Who the hell am I? Who the hell do you think you are making fun of my shoes like that?” Christine replies

There is no place like home! There is no place like home!!! There is no Place like home!!! Fuck! I am still here. Maybe, they will have a cat fight and pool full of pudding will magically fall from the sky. If I could only get that lucky.

“We need to get back to the North Pole. I need to debrief you and your team” Christine says

“You will not be doing anything with my mans briefs” Says Alex as she does the black woman head bob and snap.

I am shaking my head. God, what I have done for you to make this happen. WHYYYYYYY!!!!! A flash of light comes out of nowhere. At that moment I realized we should stop standing in the road before one of us becomes a human armadillo. We all pile in the White Denali and the giant burst of light happens again. You know after last year this blinding light thing is getting annoying as fuck.

We are back at the North Pole. We are in the room again with all the monitors that has feeds to all the kids from all over the world. I am just waiting for big boy elf to come and tell us what is happening. The door begins to open and it's my team. Justin leads the pack, Danielle, the Anglo Fro, Jackson, Victoria, The Silent mute Cody, Brianna, Nick, and now my friend Anna, Matthew, Chris and Cary are there. The band is back together again but why?

Christine comes in the room. She says “I have brought your fighting force back together for a reason. I know there is only person that can save Christmas again.” All of looked confused like a Bisexual in an Orgy.

3 Hours ago Santa went for a test drive of his sleigh to get ready for the big night with the boys and girls. He always takes one every year. Well, this year wasn't going to be any different. I was watching him get in the sleigh through the window of the take off room. Santa is really super excited about this year. He knew it was going to special. All of a sudden, this giant van appears out of no where. It was the shape of the A-Team van but had the look that it would park within 100 yards of a school trying to hand out candy. Jerry Sandusky would have drove this van to Penn State. Out of a nowhere, The Murph jumps out of the passenger side. He grabs Santa. Santa tries to free himself. It is very difficult to free yourself from the clutches of a drunk. Just ask my old neighbor. He throws him in the back of the van. They take off. Before Ben could get here, we heard shaggy yell DOOBIE DOOBIE GONE!!! And in a blink of an eye the van is just gone. We have found out through our sources that The Murph And Shaggy are taking him through Christmas Story to Story. Special to Special. Show To Show. Movie to Movie. The van is like a time traveling device but it travels through pop culture. Their mission is to deliver him to the person who hired them. We have no idea on who it is but with your help we will catch them and the bastard who is behind this and Save Santa. The little boys and girls of the world are counting on you. You have 48 hours to complete this mission or Christmas will never be again.
“How did they break out of jail?” asked Victoria

“The Murph went through a detox program which as you can see worked about as well as one of those shake weights. Shaggy got released on good behavior. Stoners don't really do anything at all. Just look at Kevin Smith” Christine repleied.

Alex looks at me “I know that rescuing Santa is kind of a big deal but I do have a question that would shed some light on things. Who the fuck are The Murph and Shaggy?”

“It's a long story but I will tell you this. The Murph is a drunk who say anything is possible with a Bud light in his hand. Shaggy is a pot smoking hippie.” Danielle

Alex Responds, “ After this is over I hope that Shaggy guy shares. I am going to need some.”

Jackson is standing in the corner pissed. He just looks at us and says “What a dumb fuck! How many times can you be kidnapped? This is getting as bad as the princess from Mario!”

I wish I knew what to say. We are all puzzled and pissed after all that we went through last year. The only thing running through my mind. Don't you just love Sequels?!?!?!?!?!?

Stay Tuned For Part 2 During The Buzz Kill Blogs 13 Days Of Christmas