Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Not Another Christmas Story: Part 2

If you missed part one here it is again. Not Another Christmas Story: Part 1

“Why are you laying in a Nativity scene trying to make out with the virgin Mary?” Shaggy asked a drunken Murph. Shaggy in all honesty knew why. It's cause the Murph is all liquored up. “What are we going to do with the fat ass in the back of the van?” Murph looks at Shaggy all puzzled. They look at each other know one place they could take him. The last place in the entire world that they would be looked for. “ Shaggy, We are going to go somewhere that the beer always flows. The weed never dwindles away.” The Murph say wit the biggest shit eating grin on his face. Shaggy scratches his head. He ponders for a few minutes. The only thing truly playing in Shaggy's head is Inagodadavida. Then all of a sudden Shaggy comes out of nowhere with his response. “We are going to Jamaica!!!” Shaggy exclaims when exhaling. The Murph looks at him like, a kid would look at his parents when fucking. “ Hell Fucking No!!! You Damn, Ass Hat. We are going to the one place they can't find us. We are going back to the place where we were caught last year. We are going to the Island of Misfit Christmas Wishes. That is where our boss wants us to bring the magical fat fuck that is weighing down our van.” Shaggy nods. They are going to head back to the same place that they did last year. In their minds, they won't get caught in the same place twice. It's a great theory but so was communism.

In the control room. Christine is going over what we are going to have do. She is still going on and on over the intelligence she has received. I am thinking the government needs to hire Santa's elves for intelligence. If they did, I am guessing we would have caught Osama Bin Laden on September 10th 2001. “This is year is going to be a little different than last year when you rescued the big guy last year. Instead of the Island of Misfit Christmas Wishes, The Murph And Shaggy are jumping from Christmas story to story. The end location is however unknown. All we know is that we are going to have a different type of sleigh to do this.” Christine says to the group. (How many of you reading this yelled they are going to the Island Of Misfit Christmas Wishes. If we just jumped to that logical point. We wouldn't have a story now would we? Who says this has to be logical?) “The sleigh is going to be equipped with a device many of you know. It is called a flux capacitor. However, we work for Santa and ours doesn't have to go past 80 for it to work. Ours goes from 0-2 in a second. And you will be transported to different Christmas stories.” Christine explains. She just keeps going on and on and on and on and on and on and on. We are lulled to sleep. I guess nap time wasn't a bad idea. She even bored herself to sleep. We all woke up 4 hours later. We are way behind schedule, but all of got some well needed rest except Cody. We couldn't find him. Where did Cody go? We will find him. Hopefully. Christine looks at me.” This is how this is going to work. You can only take 4 or 5 people with you at a time. The sleigh will not work with more than 5 people.” The journey has to begin. Christine tells the first story they jump back into is the Frosty The Snowman. I need to choose the 4 people to go on this journey with me. I hope I choose right here. “We need to find Cody too. This is the plan we are going to put into action. I am taking Victoria, Amber, and Nick. Jackson take your mom and the Anglo fro and go find the skinny one. Justin keep the team calm.” Christine gave us these bad ass watch talkies. They kinda reminded me of the same thing the Power Rangers wore. Justin and I kept going yes Zordon. It's Morphin Time. Sometimes it is fun not to grow up. The four of us get in the sleigh. I am scared out of my mind. Remember that scene from Willy Wonka when he teleports that kid through space and ends up on the television. That is about what this is reminding me of. One difference. No candy or little orange men singing a catchy little tune about how we screwed up. I turned the sleigh on. In a blink of an eye we were off to rescue Santa. I hear Christine over the Walkie Talkie. “Come back here after you are done there. There is a button that says home. It kinds looks like the Staples easy button. You can't miss it. It's freaking huge.” We are off to Frosty the Snowman.

A flash of light we get sucked up into a little ball and we are gone in a flash. We see Christmas stories shooting through us. Victoria is a little scared not knowing what is happening. All of a sudden I turn around in the back seat. Amber is starting to look a little funny. Her skin starts to look like it's boiling. Dear god we are going to be fried a live. What a crappy way to go! I am gonna die on my second virginity. You can thank Tim Tebow for my newly found faith. Nick's skin starts to do the same thing. “I haven't had enough screwdrivers for this shit.” He yells over everyone. Victoria skin starts bubbling. She is freaking out. “Please don't let this happen to me, Richard. I am to cute and lovable to die.” I begin to bubble. I look like a bloated roll of bubble wrap. FLASH!!! The light happens again. We come to a complete stop. We are all scared to open our eyes for the fear that we might be hideous. It's like we just watched a Paranormal Activity movie or The Sound of Music. Nick keeps poking me. “Are we alive?” He asked in a cracked voice. “Open your eyes, Richard. You are the leader of this group.” Amber exclaims. Is there anyone out there who would love to trade me spots at the moment. I would give it up in a heartbeat. Victoria starts punching me, and just keeps yelling OPEN YOUR EYES!!! I open them up and to my surprise. We are alive and HOLY SHIT!!! We are animated. This freaking sweet. There is a small part of me who wants to drop an anvil on someones head and watch them spring back up to life like an according. Amber is loving it. She is running through the snow. Nick is drinking of course, and not getting drunk. This is freaking awesome. Victoria is having fun throwing snowballs at passing cars. I wonder if I can get Lois Griffin's number? We hear crying coming from the other side of a small hill. The four of us go investigate what is going on. We get to the top of the hill. Suddenly, I feel like something is really wrong. We run down the hill. At the bottom was two kids, holding a corn cob pipe, a button and one piece of coal. I thought that these were kids on Santa's naughty list. That is the only explanation for this. They looked up at me. “Are you Richard?” Dear god, the children of the corn know my name. This is a little scary. “Yes.” I replied scared for my life. “Two guys came through here in a van. I thought they were going to ask us if we wanted to pet a puppy or for candy. Instead, the guy with the Johnny Cash T-Shirt, took Frosty's hat. He is wearing it now. His friend started smoking weed out his pipe. He left it. The other guy started peeing on Frosty. Please catch them sir” The kids said crying. I was a little heartbroken to find a melted yellow snowman. The only thing left was his head. “Did the Murph Skull fuck Santa?” nick said while looking at his head. There was a spot where Frosty's eye has had something very wrong done to it. Victoria says “ We should be heading back. They aren't here anymore and you could get to the next part very easily.” I agree with her. We all head back to the sleigh. Nick, Victoria and I all get in the sleigh. Amber just stops dead in her tracks. “ I am not leaving. This is the happiest I have ever been. I have no drama here. It's a great new beginning here. Please don't make me go back!” I will never let anyone down at Christmas. I told her she could stay. Maybe she could cheer up the kids as we get their hat back as well. We decided to hit the Staples button and poof. We are gone. Amber waves good bye to us and heads back over to where the kids are. I think I just made her Christmas.

After going through the pork rind bubble phase of our travel. We end up back in the control room without Amber. Christine looks pissed. I hate that look that women give. You know the look I am talking about. That I am going to eat your soul for a midnight snack look. “Why did you leave Amber behind?” Christine asks me. I replied “I haven't seen her that happy in a long long time. She deserved to be away from everything for awhile. You know I will do anything for anyone.” She smiles. “I know.”

The search for Cody has been started. No one knew where that skinny little fucker went to. Jackson, Danielle and The Anglo Fro decided to go down the hallway from the control room. They come across what looks to be the door to the workshop. Now, last year the only people to enter this room were myself and Justin. This room is off limits to normal people with out the supervision of one of Santa's elves. Jackson is hell bent to find the Gilligan to his Skipper. The can't just open the doors. He decided the best idea is to run at it and see if he can bust it down. He gets in the point stance and He is off. 25 yards, 20 yards, 15 yards, 10 yards, 5 yards. He is going at full speed. THUMP!!! He fought the door and the door won. The door also took his lunch money. “Maybe, it would be a good idea if we got a giant log and used it as a battering ram.” Danielle, says. A light bulb goes off in Jackson’s head. “I have my football helmet in the control room. You guys could pick me up. And run me into the door with my helmet.” The Anglo fro replies to what Jackson said. “That is a terrible idea!!! But we have no better options so I guess we need to try it.” Jackson runs back to the control room. Grabs is helmet and the idea the three have come up with will be put into action very very soon.

Christine gets her next message as to where the Murph and Shaggy might have taken Santa. “The next story you will be jumping in is a classic. However, we have no idea what part you will be jumping into. I am not going to tell the story just that you need to pick two people to go with you on this one.” I look around thinking to myself. “This might just be the one I need a little help from Justin on.” I say with a booming voice, “I am taking my partner in crime from last year. I am taking Justin.” Justin comes running up to me and in celebration we do the discount double check. Sorry Aaron Rodgers. We make that move look good. “You still have to pick out someone else there numb nuts.” Christine says in a voice that lets you know that she means business. I look around at my crusty crew. “ I have no clue. I guess, I will just take Cary.” “Fuck You, Richard!! You guess. Shows what kind of friend you are.” I begin to well up. I hate when my feelings get hurt. I wish people would just stop picking on me. It's hard to be this awesome. The three of us get in the sleigh and hit the button. A giant flash and going small in a poof and we are gone. Alex, is getting kinda frustrated. “When will all this be over? I need some nicotine. No one actually cares if Christmas happens or not.” Christine takes huge offense to this. “You know the only reason you are here is cause he wanted you here. Your man is going to save this holiday for all the kids around the world. Does that not mean anything to you? Does what he does not mean anything to you?” Christine walks out of the room for a minute to get a diet coke to calm her nerves down. Alex is fuming. She folds her arms and does the whole, I am a pissed off girl sigh thing. Brianna turns to the group. “You can cut the tension in here with a spork.”

We arrive at our destination. We are somewhere in the middle of Iowa or Ohio something like that. There is a school yard in front of us. Snow is covering the ground. It is very very beautiful out here. Justin pipes up. “Doesn't this look familiar to anyone? I just can't put my finger on it.” Cary is looking to try to figure out where we are. She goes back to the sleigh to see the coordinates of where we landed. There is a small shock waiting for her in the sleigh. “ Guys, there is a fourth person with us. I don't know who he is!!! He looks like some one who would watch you masturbate.” Justin and I whip our heads around to see a man in our sleigh. Justin and become speechless. We do a double take. It's TV's Allan Thicke. Mr. Seaver himself was in our sleigh. This is so very awesome. I say to him, “ I am a huge fan of yours. I am so excited to meet you...........Why the fuck are you here?” Allan Says: “I am just looking for my way back to the Growing Pains Christmas. For some reason during your travels, I got sucked into a black hole. I ended up on your sleigh.” All of a sudden three kids go running by us. They were being chased by some ginger kid and another kid who was wearing a hat. If that that was turned around he would make the perfect limo driver. Coming up the back stretch was this kid that looked like the little version of the Stay Puft marshmallow man. It dawned on me a few seconds later. We are in a Christmas Story. I love this movie. “Allan, will go sit in the sleigh while we take care of some business. I promise. We will get you to Growing Pains.” Mr. Thicke being the good little television bitch that he is goes and sits down. He just smiles. Something about that man smiling is creepy. We here the bells from the school. That means it can be time for one thing. It's time for recess. We are here for the famous scene tongue getting stuck to the pole scene. Here comes Ralphie, Flick and Schawarz. Justin and I are having a moment where we are freaking out due to the sheer awesomeness of being in this movie. We are acting like a 10 year old girl getting kissed by Justin Bieber. We hear Schawartz say I double dare you. Cary, the doubting Thomas that she is. “There is no way that actually works.” I double dog dare you. Then, a voice came raining down from the heavens above. I thought it was god. Justin pointed out that he didn't know gods voice sounded Jean Shepard. We can hear the narrator!!! This just get cooler and cooler by the minute. There is part of me that just wants to stay around so we can steal the leg lamp. Cary is still going on and on about how the licking a frozen pole will not freeze your tongue to it. At the same time Scahwartz, Justin and I look at Cary and Say “ triple dog dare you.” She said, “Fine Fine. I will do it but it's not gonna work.” Justin and I are now on assumption that Cary has actually never seen this movie. She is one side of the pole and Flick is on the other. They both stick their tongues to it. Color me shocked people. Her tongue is now stuck like Flicks. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Justin and I can't stop laughing. Ralphie comes over to us. “There were two guys who told them that it wouldn't work. They said if it did, all the kid would be yelling is FUDGE” However, Ralphie didn't say Fudge. He said the big wig of all bad words. The F Word. That is what Cary was yelling actually. She said, “jafjkbgfakjbfgaojfalskgnasl;gboweingfoebgjsbgf;zdbg;asklgkbg;sdgfb'aobgfoednbfoednb” Justin and I tried to decipher that. I wish at that moment we had subtitles. We took it as, It's ok to leave. You guys need to save Christmas. I will be fine. So we left. We head back to the control room at the North Pole. We need to find out where our next mission was going to be. We get back. Justin and I are so excited to introduce everyone to Allan Thicke. When we got back however, he was gone. Where did Allan Thicke go, Damn it?

The Murph and Shaggy arrive to the Island of Misfit Christmas Wishes. They head into their bosses secret hideout on the island. It is a strip club on the island called the Boobie Bungalow!!! The Murph walks in and immediately a woman walked right up to him. Her stripper name is Tulip. She starts to grind on him. He returns the favor. Shaggy starts laughing his stoner ass off. “You have the moves of a cube in an Earthquake. I have seen paraplegics move their legs better than you did.” Murph throws his beer down is pissed off protest. “Let's just go see the boss.” The Murph drags Shaggys stoner ass to the back room of the strip club.

The next location that Murph and Shaggy were seen in is going to be a little weird for every one. I hope you guys don't mind getting turned into Clay Mation at all. You will be going into the story of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.” Christine tells us. I know I need to pick my team but I have no clue at this moment to go into this story. I am going to choose Brianna, Sasha, and Thomas. I think this might be a safe group. I don't think I am going to lose anyone out of those three. If I do, I am a horrible leader. I am almost right up there with the guy who decided to attack uphill. The four of us get in the sleigh. I hit the start button. FLASH!!! POOF!!! We were gone. Brianna, is getting a weird a feeling first. I swear this being shot back into animated stuff is not the easiest. Brianna looks like Gumby before she goes back into shape. “ I have never been this flexible and I love it.” She says to us. Sasha transforms next. She stretches, and turns into a clay person. “This is freaking cool. I know no one will be stealing my car in clay form.” Thomas turns next. “I am going to have basketball skills like I will never have before.” I turn into clay. There is part of me that knows, I smell like a tube of Play Doh!!! I kinda want to eat myself and my friends. That sounded a little dirty didn't it? Well, it should have. We come to our destination but something is weird. We are just hovering up above this clay land. It doesn't look like Rudolph. It looks much much darker. Sasha puzzled, “Where the hell are we?” I have no clue. There is Christmas stuff below me. It looks really really funky. We hear singing below us. “WHAT'S THIS? There is snow everywhere. WHAT'S THIS? There is pre..... and we fall right on top of this guy singing. Brianna figures out that what story we are in very very quickly. “ I know that this might not be the most appropriate time but um, we just flattened the Pumpkin King. We might want think quickly about..” Thomas finishes her sentence. “Getting the fuck out of here. Like Now!!!” I hit the home button but nothing. I hit it again and nothing. I bang my head on the dashboard. “ Is this even a Christmas movie? AHHHHH!!! WWATD? What Would Alan Thicke Do?” Alan Thicke pops out of the trunk and say, “Show Me That Smile Again! And get the hell out of here before Tim Burton Kills us.” I hit the home button again. This time finally by the grace of god or in this case Alan Thicke. It worked. We are on our way back to control central.

The Anglo Fro and Danielle pick up Jackson. This is starting to look like a really terrible Three Stooges bit. They start off 25 yards away. One for the money, Two for Show, and their off. They are running at full speed. 20 yards away. 10 yards away. Shauna, one of Santa's elves, heard the first time Jackson hit the door. She opens the door right before they hit it. They just keep running right through the door. They accidentally throw Jackson in the doll pit. A claw being ran by Tonya picks him up. She sets him down on the floor. A brush comes down and paints two red circles on his face. Santa's elves turned him into a horrible Raggedy Andy look. Danielle ask, “has anyone seen Cody?” The elves confer in a circle. Shauna speaks for them. “He was in here and he went out the other door into the giant hallway.” They take off looking for Cody!!!

Christine is giving us information on our next spot. I don't think I am going to let her know about us killing the pumpkin. That may not be a good thing at all. Christine is not letting me pick on this trip. She is telling me that her and Alex is going. “I don't want to be in this spot.” I said scared to hit the button on the sleigh. Christine replied back “You don't have a choice since you brought it with you.” “Excuse Me? Alex says. “Who are you calling it, Miss Thang?” I hit the button and POOF!!! WHITE LIGHT. We are gone. We get to a movie. We are in black and white. We are in It's A Wonderful Life. This isn't going to end well is it? Christine and Alex keep arguing. Christine talks about how Alex will never support my career choices and my health issues. She will only be around for the good times. As soon as she the bad happens, she is going to bring up all the sad over and over. Alex is talking about how she is now, and that Christine is yesterdays news. I can't handle this shit. I here George just ask if he wanted to lasso to the moon for some chick. Thank you fuck head. Now they are both going to ask at the same time, “ Would you lasso the moon for me?” I walk over to George Bailey and kick right in the nuts. Thanks a lot ass hole. I get back in the sleigh with the bickering woman. I hit the home button. Fuck this. We are back into the control room. I don't think I will ever ride anywhere with those two ever ever again. That was the worst two minutes of my life.

I don't even care where the next story takes us. I am just ready to get the hell up out of this mother. I just look over. Matt, Anna, and Chris get in the sleigh now. We need to go. They jump in the sleigh. We get the hell out of dodge. POOF!!!! I am dreaming of a WHITE LIGHT!!!! We arrive at our destination. I have no clue where we are. Chris kinda with a confused look. Feels like something is different. “I know this place but I can't put my finger on it at all.” Anna starts smiling. “ I know where we are at.” She just takes off running into the direction of the doors. She runs in them. Matthew has no idea what is going on. “She just pulled a runaway bride on you.” A man in a suit jacket walks up behind me and slaps me on the back of the head. I look at Chris like I am going to hurt him. However, his mouth is on the floor. He has that dick in mouth look. I turn around to see, that gray haired Millitary haircut. “Who are you to make jokes in my Christmas Special?” It was Special Agent Gibbs from NCIS. “ Dude I just got Gibbsed by Gibbs. You are your own metaphor.” He flashes that smile. God even my heart just melted like a middle aged woman. McGee comes up from behind Matthew and places him under arrest. “ You are being detained for the murder of LT. Jack Skellington.” They take him inside. “What actually happened when you were supposed to go see Rudolph?” Chris asked me. “We killed the Pumpkin King.” “Not Good” Chris replies. We decide to set out to find Anna. Tony, takes us upstairs to the NCIS headquarters. It was a amazing. I wanna go into MTAC and bomb an ex girlfriends house. Sounds like a good plan in my head. However, I said that out loud and Ziva was standing right there. Not a good joke to make around a cold blooded assassin. I am now scared for my life. They take us to Abbey's lab. They said your friend has been up here talking to her. Ziva said, “She is like the world's most annoying superfan but she is making Abbey really happy.” Chris and I walk into this moment between Abbey and Anna. They are looking longingly into each other eyes. The moment is kinda hot. Chris and I sit down with Tony. We are all three drinking Caf Pows. These things are the shit. Anna eyes look into Abbey's. Their heads are getting closer and their lips begin to meet. All three of us are sitting with risen front of the pants. The only thing missing is Ziva and Biscuits and Gravy. Gibbs comes in the room, slaps all three of us in the head. “We needed that!” Chris says. “ I am not leaving here.” Anna says. “I didn't know that you were into women.” I said to Anna. She replied “I wasn't but I am now.” Neither Chris and I were going to care if she stayed or not. I really hope Christine isn't going to be pissed. Gibbs did tell us that they haven't seen The Murph or Shaggy. If they came through here we would have caught those bastards. Chris and I decide to head back to the control room.

Alex and Christine are still arguing while we are gone. “You are gonna break his heart. Oh wait, you already have.” Says Christine to Alex. “And you didn't you have room to talk, didn't you not choose your some guy who worked for the Easter Bunny.” Christine got up, and pushed Alex. Alex pushed back. All the other people sitting in the control room got some popcorn. They were sitting around in a circle hoping that the fight would result in a loss of clothing. We poof back back into the control room. Alex and Christine start fighting. Fist are being thrown more and more each second. It looks like a boxing match but more talented. Chris and I are holding the back of our heads. A Gibbs head slap will fuck your world up. We exit the sleigh on the other side. Alex comes running up screaming, and tackles her James Harrison against Cleveland. Her and Christine land on the sleigh. All of a sudden they must of hit the switch. POOF!!! FLASH!!! The sleigh is gone. “What the fuck just happened?” Sasha replies, “ Christine and Alex have been fighting since you left. It got bad. They got physical and that is when the landed on the sleigh.”

Christine and Alex end up poofed in the middle of a place that looked very very familiar. Christine knew exactly where they were at. They were on the Island of Misfit Christmas Wishes. They landed right in front of the only strip club on the entire island. They landed right there at the Boobie Bungalow. The sleigh poofs away stranding Christine and Alex on the island.

The sleigh comes back in a flash. We started looking around for Alex and Christine. They weren't there. The only person in the sleigh was TV's Allan Thicke. What a damn disappointment!!! What are we going to do with out the head elf?

Christine, sees the van that kidnaps Santa. “This is exactly where the Murph and Shaggy are hiding. We are going to find find the big guy.” Christine says. They both decided to go into the strip club. They walk in to a woman wearing a Santa hat completely naked. Her name was Lucy. She is stripping to the Christmas classic, White Christmas by Bing Crosby. Alex and Christine walk next to the stage. The pass the Easter Bunny. “I thought you were gay?” Christine says. The Easter bunny is pissed. Hell hath no fury like a Bunny Scorn over sexual orientation. “I am not gay. I am bisexual. It fucking right elfie poo.” The Easter Bunny throws a dollar and walks back to the champagne room. Alex and Christine see the Murph at the bar. The one thing that makes this interesting. Christine has no powers on the island. No magical creature does. She is powerless. She removes her elf hat so no one else recognizes her. “Like that is going to fucking work? People are going to know who you are. It is kind of obvious.” Alex said in a stern voice. Christine decides to walk by the Easter Bunny. She puts her arms around him before he could get to the champagne room. “ What is up you sexy little rabbit? I wanna know if its true what they say about your kind?” The Easter Bunny is turned on by what he thinks is a stranger. Christine comes back over. “Is that good enough for you skank?” She says looking at Alex. “Those are fighting words where I come from slut.” Out of the corner of their eye. They see Shaggy come and get The Murph. They decide the best idea is to follow them to the back. Maybe they will see Santa. They follow the bumbling stoner and drunk to the back. Where they come across these huge doors. The doors swing wide open. There is only a desk. The chair is turned around and they hear a voice. “You guys have done well. Go enjoy the fruits of your labor. All the booze and weed you can smoke. You deserve it.” The Murph and Shaggy leave the room. Christine and Alex bust up in their Cagney and Lacey style except they hate each other and they are not cops. It was more like Romy and Michelle. “We Demand you give us Santa back so that all the boys and girls can have a Christmas.” Christine says to the figure in the chair. “I was expecting you Christine.” The chair turns around. Christine sees who it is. “Holy Shit. It's you.”

Stay Tuned for Part 3 On Christmas Day!!!!