Monday, April 30, 2012

The Ballad of The Orange Sneaker

Anyone who knows me, knows that I can make a big giant ass out of myself in front of the masses. It's kinda what I do best. I have been on many stages but, the one thing I can't do is have a one on one conversation with a girl. I have no clue why. It isn't the fear of rejection cause that happens a lot. It is more of the fear of sticking “foot in mouth”. I have that “foot in mouth” disease and I hope someone out there finds a cure. This little story has to do with me growing a pair of testicles and finally just giving someone my phone number.

A little under a week ago we decided that we needed a few things at the local Wal-Mart. Two pieces in less of a week that are about Wal-Mart. I feel like there is something off with this. Maybe I spend way too much time there. Well, we were picking up a few things. Pretty much the normal everyday stuff. Red Diamond Sweet Tea, Pepsi, Pork Rinds or some sort of snack made from a pig. The usual. Barney Stinson, or I ,have come up with a coding system for if I find someone attractive. I would like to call that the Blackjack scale. What is that you do ask? If a girl is beautiful, she is a “Blackjack”. If she is in between she is an “Ah 15”. That is where you are trying to decide if you are going to hit that or not. Finally,” bust” for if you don't want to get to know them at all. We were heading to the checkout line when I said to my friend “Blackjack” or Bazinga. Actually, I am guessing it was a Bazinga in all honesty. Out of the corner of my eye a checker at the local Wal-Mart caught my attention. I am not one to write this sappy stuff. Ok, maybe I am. OK! OK! I know I am. Damn being a romantic. Without telling my friend who the Bazinga was for she picked her line. She told me that she thought of me the moment she saw her too. Funny how friends can pick up on that sort of thing isn't it? The first thing I remember were her bright orange shoes. They made me smile. I know I could never pull that off. I don't know many people who could pull that off, but she did. She was rocking that pair of kicks. The next thing I noticed was her smile. I am sorry this might sound cheesy. Ok. I know it will sound cheesy but, it kinda made me freeze. That is not good is it. The first thing I do. I start to do the only thing I know how to do. I dance. Not just any dance. The escalator. I felt like that little kid Brodie gets pissed at on Mallrats. She started to bust the move out first. It was, dare I say, reeking of awesomeness. We leave. The only thing I could think about was how cool this girl was.

I decided I needed to ask her on a date. My shyness got the better of me the first time. My friend was trying to get me to go back in. I couldn't do it. I did tell myself from that moment on I was going to find the girl in the orange shoes and ask her on a date. We started finding little things we could go buy at Wal-Mart, even if we already had them, hoping she was there. Time after time, nothing. It was two times in 5 days but so totally worth it. Today was different. I had to tinkle. For the sake of this, tinkle is a safe word. I went in the doors with them parting like the red sea. I turn the corner to head to the WC when she was standing there. I got this pit and butterflies in the stomach feeling. I could hardly breathe, which told me something... I need to be in better shape. My friend is giving me the speech every coach gives their pee wee football team. Go out there and have fun. Ok. You caught me. I lied. She called me a pussy and told me to “suck it up soldier”. She went through self checkout. I decided to go do what I thought would be an awesome date idea. A.) Get Coffee. B.) Ask girl if she wants to get a cup of coffee. So what happens? I get there. I set the coffee down, she says “How are you today?” Then I let out something that all men will give me hell about. “I am fine.” It wasn't said with my everyday voice. It was said with a cracked voice. Remember that episode of the Brady Bunch where Peter hits puberty. That was me in a nutshell. No pun intended. My awesome friend however, winged for me. God Bless. She took in one of The Buzz Kill business cards and handed it to her. So now I wait. Will the phone go off or not. Each time it goes off, I jump. I have made this decision though. If she does text me, I am making a cup of coffee with the new stuff at that very moment.


Jim Dick said...

When/Where is the next stage performance?