Monday, April 09, 2012

How I Met Your....

Don't you love when stress hits you out of no where like a snowball thrown by a 4 year old. You are not expecting and all of sudden you are hit in the face. That is kind of how I have been feeling lately. It has not been easy. I sit around by the phone waiting for the call telling the worse has happened. I have been to my old home town a few times in the past week to sit by the woman who raised me. She doesn't even know who I am. I don't know how many of you can fathom how difficult it is that someone who has known you your entire life, can't even remember your name. She thought I was her brother. Now, I get to play the waiting game.

Well, during this time frame, I thought I would catch up on one of my favorite shows from the beginning. How I Met Your Mother. The more I would watch the more my mind would think. My mind has told me one huge thing. I am Ted Mosby. Why do I say that? My track record proves that I am a crazy romantic. You guys and gals have read about the trip to New Mexico. Seriously, the only reason anyone ever does that is cause they think that they have true love fall in their hands. I think that way about almost every girl, then I become that guy who starts to find flaws. I walked in a thunderstorm. Rain pouring all over me, wind whipping my head phones out of my ears for a girl. More about that later. I think almost every girl could be the one. Why, cause I am sick and tired of being alone. That isn't healthy is it?

The dealing with the eventual loss of the woman who taught me how to live my life, plus the issues I am battling health wise makes you take a seat back and reflect. There are days where I think about the woman I spent most of my life with. I wonder what would have happened if we stayed together. I know in my heart of hearts, I would never would have been happy with her. I think about the girl who ran when things got real. I don't know what would have even happened had she not got cold feet. I think about the girl who told me she was having a child that was from a one night stand. The one night stand happened before we met. She told me that she would be a horrible mother if she left the child alone with me cause of my health. I would have made a terrible Father cause I black out. That has happened on more than one occasion. Do you think it is easy to sit around and hear that someone doesn't want to be with you cause you are sick. I sit and think about the being told that I don't deserve a Valentine due to something I have penned on this site. I sit and think about being told that I wasn't much of a man cause I couldn't take care of my mom and the woman I was with. I sit and think about being told that I am always going to finish in second place in relationships.

I know it sounds like that is dwelling on the past but in all honesty, that is not the case at all. The things I have went through have lead me on two roads. I haven't told my best friends this because it is easier to write for me. I always have a struggle going on in my mind when it comes to dating. The girl who got away or the future.

I think we all have that one person who tends to creep in our minds when we least expect it. That person kinda crept back into my mind. She pretty much has since 2005. I was even engaged and she would tug on a string inside me. I have no clue why. In one night she became closer to me than most of my friends that I had known for years. I was able to tell her every problem I ever had and she could to the same. She was my best friend. The moments we had, I will always cherish in my mind. Even putting on the wedding dress and trying to marry Johnny Depp in the wax museum. The biggest problem was that I was to much of a chicken shit to actually make the move. Instead, I just said how I felt but couldn't do it in person. It was all over text. Yeah, that will win someone's heart. I know that sometimes our mistakes out weigh every thing we have ever done. I know some of things I have done in my past were completely asinine. I hurt her. I broker her heart without even really making a move. That still eats at me to this day. That was 3 years ago. Sometimes, we have to make another mistake to see what could have been. I learning from Ted.

There is always two sides to every coin. The other road is the future. Michael Buble might have it right. I Haven't Met You Yet. I might have already and just don't know it yet. Do you know how scary that is? Dating hasn't been kind to me. Maybe, I have met someone who is going to turn that around. I am ready to feel love again. Wake up in the morning with my arm around someone. I want someone not to look at me like I am a charity case cause of my health.

The difference between then and now. I short change myself so much that I worry that no one is ever going to truly feel the way about me that I want. I want to settle down eventually. If god willing have a family, hopefully they can get rid of this knot. I am ready to have the life I have always dreamed of. I am more like Ted Mosby. The moment is fleeting for a reason. The next moment is ready to come. The only thing certain in our life is change. Who knows? I am ready to see what change is next.