Wednesday, April 25, 2012

An Open Letter

My name is Stick Figure ( I was fucking lit from drinking cheap beer, I found a slut who wanted to do a cheer. I gave her 20 bucks, I knew she was for hire. I pulled down my pants and she sucked me like a True Blood Vampire.) Dan. I needed to show my head around here. This site needed a big dose of Dan. I have to admit I am sick of all the love crap. No one wants to keep hearing about your trips to Old Mexico, New Mexico, or Sheboygan Wisconsin. Boy and girls he is looking for the one, too bad she will pop cause of his needle dick. I also want to ask, did you see all the weed pieces last week? I have a great idea for the Truth ads that show up on my television when they are at the worst possible time. Have you ever been jacking off  to an episode Jem and The Holograms when they take a break. Right before you are about to shoot your load, boom there are thousands of babies falling from the sky telling you not to smoke tobacco. It's that sort of thing that makes a Stick Figure cry. Here is an idea not to get people to smoke weed. Step 1. Use Richard. Step.2 Put him in a pair of basketball shorts and no shirt. Everyone he went to high school with, it was not against his religion to take off his shirt, he was just ashamed he had bigger boobs than the girls. Step 3. Show him with a joint. Boom! Problem solved. No one will ever touch the stuff again.

Today, I wanted to take the time to write a letter to a group of people that have made me pissed off to be who I am. A group of people that are molding our society. A group of people that parents let around their kids.

Dear Kid Show Creators, Writers, and Actors,

I haven't been a kid for a long time. I also don't have any kids. I am a firm believer in the theory of Don't Be A Dummy Blow On Her Tummy. A week ago I was on a date with a young lady who had 5 children.  She must be doing something right in the bedroom And she was. That girl was a freak among freaks. I was sitting with her kids when all of a sudden they turned on some show for their little minds to grow. It was at that moment in time that I decided that the only thing growing was your addiction to hallucinogen drugs. What kind of acid trip do you have to be having to come up with some of this shit. Have you seen Yo Gabba Gabba? A guy in a big fuzzy orange suit and pope style hat playing with robots. If that is not a cry for help then what is? It screams, I am 30 and still live in my mom's basement and on the weekends my friends come over (Which you met about 10 years ago at a Knock off of Comic Con.) to play Magic the Gathering and eat shrooms. Why in the fuck do you make shows with a pause? Do you know what that is teaching our children? Each time someone pauses in real life they are going to scream something just plain stupid. I can see it now. An 18 year old girl is sitting in her English Class. The teacher takes a pause for a breath and she immediately yells out "My Crotch is on Fire from the warts I caught. My parents just left me with TV and didn't take the time to raise me. I now have Daddy issues and you can see me every Friday night at The Booby Bungalow. Just ask for Candy Stripper.) Do you want your daughters growing up to be whores? No! Do we men who aren't related want that? Yes. It is just sad that you can not create a normal show that wouldn't give a normal man seizures. No wonder ADD is running rapid.

Figure It Out
Stick Figure Dan


Jim Dick said...

I hope that popsicle stick finds a bomb pop and shoves his head up it's ass where it belongs.