Sunday, May 27, 2012

An Open Letter

I bet you have been waiting for this. You have been counting down the hours, the minutes and the seconds until my return to this shit hole of a site. If you do not know who I am, my name is Stick Figure (I walked into my house and couldn't believe my eyes. There was a naked girl in my room, what a surprise. Her body was nice but what a hideous mug. I am calling an exterminator cause I am scared my crotch might have bugs.) Dan. I love holiday weekends. Want to know why? While I was off getting laid by chick after chick. I got so much tail this weekend you would have thought I was a fur trapper. The weekend got even better when I found out porkzilla did this weekend. What a fucking loser the “main guy” of this website is. Did you read the Retro Video yesterday? I wonder what kind of pizza it was? My guess the meat wasn't the only protein on that pizza if you know what I mean. I found out no one would come hang out with him. I swear this guy has loser written across his forehead. Who wants to take bets that on the 4th of July, only action he gets is from his hand while eating a hot dog. Enough of making fun of the future Time Magazine's Pathetic Man of the Year award winner and onto why we are really here. I was at the mall the other day trying to buy candles so I can get rid of the smell of desperation. Richard was over. I walked by a certain store and I have a bone to pick with them.

Dear Hollister,

I, like many other American's, are not filled with a douchebag gene. However, I will get one of your items for Christmas from an asshole friend of mine. The other day I was walking, trying to get my groove on via text message, when something churned my stomach. I couldn't stop smelling it. I mean it was just stuck there. It was like having sex with a drunk chick and she passed out on you. You can't move her. The only hope for you is that you are on top. I walked by your store the other day and realized what the smell was. I haven't been to the mall in over 6 months. The odor from your damn store made me sick for 6 damn months. The rancid odor coming from your store is like herpes. Once it is in the nasal cavity it isn't going anywhere for a long time. I have been around skunks that smelled better. Hell, I have been around a few high school P.E. Classes with a better odor. Do you have to use so damn much of whatever that shit is. There are people walking by that their eyes begin to burn. It was like they have just seem Medusa or Richard naked. There is no excuse for that odor. I have a solution. QUIT MARKETING TO PRETENTIOUS DOUCHEBAGS. I mean, really. American Eagle doesn't have that smell. Rue 21 doesn't have a smell. Just your shitty excuse for a store. You owe me a settlement check cause I have had to cut off my own nose. There is a lawsuit in your future.

Figure It Out