Thursday, May 31, 2012

Sexual Kryptonite

What is one thing that 99% of people in this world love to do? Sexual Intercourse. We have all done it and if you haven't your time is coming. Well, that is if you don't do something that is a detriment to your sex life. Sexual Kryptonite, if you want to be specific. Don't let a nun fool you. Ask her about the time she wasn't a nun. She would put some rock stars to shame. No one is kinkier. Trust me. You are going to die in your parents basement with your hands stuck to a ham and cheese Hot Pocket. That isn't what you want is it? You want to be out there getting as much tail as you can. We do something around these here parts called The Unwritten Rules to Dating. They help you with your dating life but there is something that has been left untouched. SEX!!! Who wouldn't want to be on top of something thrusting at the moment? It beats watching reruns of Gilmore Girls on the CW. It's the one thing that all of us humans have in common. There are some things that people do that will ensure you that there is no chance in hell that you will ever lose your virginity.

I am a card carrying member of the Nerd Nation. However, I value the fact that if I meet someone awesome that I can have sex with them. There are a few nerds out there that do something that makes my stomach just cringe. The fact they are not just throwing their sex life down the toilet like their parents did with a goldfish when they were 7. They are also throwing down the hopes and dreams of actually having a life in this world. Home Schooled kids have more social interaction than anyone who is a hardcore player of World Of Warcraft. I played that game for 15 minutes and realized that if I ever want to have contact with a boobie that I needed to stop that instant. Are you going to tell me that someone will fall for a person that 1. Sits in his parents house 17 hours a day in front of a computer. 2. Drinks a two liter of Mountain Dew/energy drinks or whatever the kids are drinking now. Then when they get done with it, they pee in it. So all around the space where you play there are urine filled bottles. The only thing you eat is anything that your mom makes cause you are too damn worried that something might fucking happen to your level 77 fairy elf. Come on. Is it that hard to actually clean a dish or make a bow of ramen noodles. No one is going to find that a turn on. I know of people meeting in the WOW universe. However, the only way they are going to have sex is on the computer. It's just a sad, sad day. If you are a hardcore WOW player. Good luck at ever having sex with a human. I had to add that. I have no idea how a wizard and fairy have sex, but some fanboy would try to explain it to me. Then again, they won't even know this is posted.

I know a lot of single mothers out there. I have some of the biggest respect for a strong woman raising a child by themselves. It takes a special woman. Some single moms become obsessed with those sexual novels. Until they find the man of their dreams they are dreaming of a Fabio. On the other hand, there are moms out there who become addicted to a certain franchise. A franchise that no one should like unless you are between the ages of 12 to 15. Twilight. Want to know what these special women are called? Twi-moms. Their biggest fantasy is having a sparkly vampire whisk them away and bite their neck. If you want that, find a bisexual who is very feminine and throw some damn glitter on them. If you are a Twi-mom it might be a good time to start looking at cats. I watched the first Twilight. Half way through the movie, I realized that if I ever wanted to get laid again, I needed to stop watching it.

Poker has become a very big game across the country. Men and women both love to play it. Some card games however will no longer allow you to enter the station known as Sexy time. Grab some buddies and let's play some Magic the Gathering. Nothing will turn on someone more then flopping out a card that will kill the some magical mystical forest creature. Shit, what is wrong with some people. I played Magic once. I realized that if I ever wanted to get laid again, that the only card game I will be playing is strip poker. Ask someone to come meet you in the middle of the night. That place being a truck stop. I have no clue of any classier place that is open 24 hours. Play some Magic and leave them sleeping in their car. Is there something wrong with that? Hell Fucking Yes there is. If you tell a woman that you play Magic watch their face when you explain what you have to do when you play. Remember that time your mom walked in on you masturbating? Remember the look she had on her face when she saw your penis in your hand? It will be that look all over again. You don't want that. And if you play Pokemon cards, just think about buying prostitutes now.

We all like a woman that smells nice. A perfume can enhance the situation to new levels that will blow your mind and your load. Men this goes for you to. Having sex with someone and they have an odor. I can't describe this any better and I apologize if any of these foods are ever ruined for you. It's a cross of Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup and Fritos Corn Chips. I don't know whether I should be disgusted at the fact you haven’t bathed in months or the fact you smell like a soup kitchen at a homeless shelter. Norman Rockwell would shit himself if he knew I used that reference. I just gagged a little.

How many positions are there? Quite a bit. I have read the Kama Sutra cover to cover. Once in Yiddish. How many sides to a pair of dice are there, that won't give you a chance to ever use any of the positions? Anything higher than 6. Dungeon and Dragon players. I have played D&D 1 time. After the 14 hour game of trying to save the princess from bowser or some shit like that. I realized that if I ever wanted to get laid again that I could never play this again. I don't see a point in wearing a cloak all night sitting in the basement of a 45 year old male who wishes World Of Warcraft was around when he was little. 20 sided dice and getting to pretend you are killing stuff with your mind. Sounds like a normal night....if you are 5.

Religion is kind of a taboo topic around here. However, telling people you are a member of a cult will not get you laid. It will get you committed. I tried this once, She tried to make me drink Kool Aid. I realized that if I ever wanted to get laid again, Ice Tea is the way to go. I walked away. Weirdly, never heard from her again. I just don't see how cutting and branding your self in the name of Steve is going to attract anyone.

That about sums it up. Just don't give them a reason not to sleep with you. Anything on this list is pretty much it. There is one thing that I left off. If they tell you they are a blogger. Oh shit. Umm I have tried this and realized that I won't get laid and I am still doing it. Hmm, this is kinda awkward. Did anyone catch the Thunder, Spurs game? I am just going to walk away slowly. Forget that was even said.