Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Unwritten Rules to Dating 5

The official beginning of Summer isn't until June 21st however that hasn't stopped the weather from being hot as hell outside already. Satan himself just purchased a window unit. Hopefully, for you the heat outside isn't the only heat being generated. I think the movie Grease said it best, Summer Lovin had me a blast. It is the time of the year that you can have summer fling. That can only happen if you don't screw it up royally. That is why I am here to help you. I am giving you something that I wish I had when I started dating all those many many moons ago. A condom and the sex talk. Just kidding...Or am I? I am here to tell you what not to do in order to get that summer love going strong. Grab your pens and paper boys and girls, This is the Unwritten Rules To Dating 5!!!!

Rule #908. Don't you love meeting people who have just gotten out of a terrible relationship gone wrong. They are kinda in a bad spot. This is where you have to decide if you are going to be like Dennis Rodamn and pull down the rebound. However, what if the break up they are getting over is over 3 years old and they have dated people since. If you encounter something like this you need to run. You need to run like the wind Bullseye. Want an example? You are lying next to someone in the bed room. You just got done playing horizontal Yahtzee and not to leave out the bad asses out there, Vertical Yahtzee. They want to talk after the business has been taken care of. A normal reaction. The problem is the subject matter. Their ex from 3 years prior. Not the best thing after to listen to after sex. That is on the same level as talking about your parents in the middle of it. Ten seconds into the conversation they begin to cry. Yes. Not only do you have to try to make them feel better but wonder if you were really that shitty in the sack. If you are going to cry over him, it means you aren't over him yet. Just an FYI. The rule, There is no crying in baseball or dating.

Rule # 58: You have started talking to someone. You guys start to have what I like to call it the spark!!! Not to be confused with the WNBA team the Sparks. Everything is going great. You are telling stories that have made each of you who you are. You decide to meet. About an hour after the decision was made you are going to meet, you get a phone call telling you that they don't believe anything that you are saying to them, that it's not you, it's cause they can't trust anyone anymore. Here is a small newsflash. Are all of you sitting down, cause this will blow the lid off everything you ever thought existed. We have all been cheated on and lied to. Color me shocked. Thinking everyone is the same and just waiting for that person to do the same thing is sure fire way to hurt someone so fast it's not even funny. Not everyone is the same, we are like snowflakes, at least that is what my mom told me. She is never wrong. The rule here, not everyone is out to get in your pants some are out to get your heart.

Rule #5238: Everything is going awesome. You have had a couple of phone calls. You text all the time. You even went to sit together at some water fall thingy in a populated town. Everything seemed like it was going in the direction it should be. Then all of a sudden, BOOM!!! No phone calls. No messages. No cake. What is going on? They just stop talking to you without any warning. What kind of person does that? Apparently one without an explanation or a heart. The tin man has more common sense than anyone who does this. If you are going to just stop talking to them because you joined a nunnery or because you were found out to be breaking rule 58. It's time to take a step back and look at yourself. Common courtesy should be given to someone you are talking to because who knows that person could be the one, or a good story for a blog.

Rule #13: You want to impress someone on a first date. Ideas of being romantic cross your mind. Long walk under the stars, Romantic dinner by candlelight, Playing a claw machine till you win, maybe even some slow dancing. Ladies, I am not taken. ;) However, there is one place you never take someone. I mean never. A Strip club. Yes. Nothing says you are going to get a second date like watching someone grind all over the person that someday you could have children with. Isn't that a classy all night date. The only thing that should be stripped away is your wall so you can get to know a person better.

I hope you were taking notes boys and girls. Don't break any of these rules and you too can have a Danny and Sandy fling. Just don't stay out past 10 o' clock.