Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Tips to Scoring a Celeb

 Note from Richard: we would like to welcome a new writer to The Buzz Kill family. Fiona Brooks. She is new here and most be showed the ropes a little bit. Yesterday Johnny Depp became single, Hold your vaginas ladies, Fiona came up with some bad ass tips so you can score the Johnny Depp or celeb of your dreams. Seriously, what do you see in him? I am single and no one shows this much love over me. Anything I throw into this conversation will be in orange.

I have recently noticed the lack of thought celebrities are putting into their dating lives. If they were to use some of their god given smarts maybe the celebrity divorce rate wouldn't be at 179%. I have came up with a list of dos and Don'ts that they can and should follow from now on. Once we have reached out to everyone in the public eye I will make it my life goal to reach everyone world wide.. World peace baby!

Date only people within 50 years of you.. If they are on their death bed don't date them, unless they're loaded. (Anna Nicole Smith, I am looking at you)

If someone is already in a relationship lets at least give them a few days for it to be over before we jump their bones. (But it's Johnny fucking Depp)

Don't overdose on the first date, yes any publicity is good publicity but then if you die you're no good for anyone. (Lindsay Lohan, Courtney Love, Chris Farley, The Sham Wow guy, I am looking at you)

Do wash your hair, armpits, brush your teeth and change your clothes. Even if you're hot you can smell like a hamster farm. GROSS (Matthew Mcconaughey, I am smelling you)

Do eat at least one meal in a week. If you look like a skeleton people will think you're dead and there is rule one will date you thanks to me. (Necrophiliacs will. Which is sick and twisted to know that the Olsen's still have a chance)

Don't glue, pierce, tattoo, or otherwise mangle yourself on a date. We all love Steve-o but who wants to be kissing a guy who can't sit because his butt hair is glued to his forehead.

Never ever EVER do a reality show while on a date. Ruins the romance.

If they are drunk or high when you met them and every time you've seen them its a good chance they have a problem. (Charlie Sheen, you are winning this one.)

They drive a white bronco, have leather gloves and a big knife under the seat. Well I guess if you know that maybe you went too far already...

If there is a porno with them in it that they sell on their web site...don't do them again. (Dustin Diamond, I am looking at you)

Do date over weight yet somehow oddly pretty girls who live in Missouri :) you know you want me Ryan Reynolds. (Hall of Hunks inductee)

Drive it like you bought it, not like you stole it. Chances are you're drunk and mug shots are only good for people like me who want a good giggle.

If the one you are interested in has donated money to a charity date them, if they have donated sperm to the local tranny factory DON'T! (Fellow Buzz Kill writer Whitney is gonna be pissed)

Do date funny guys who can sing. Don't date someone who thinks they're funny and can't sing, even if they're hot and swimming in money (I am a funny guy who was in musicals in high school? Where is my poon?)