Wednesday, June 20, 2012

You Have To Know When To Hold Them

Sometimes our own physiology can be our greatest enemy. It’s not our fault it’s just that our body works against everything we mentally intend to do. I know full well there are some of you who know exactly what I mean and on a much deeper scale than I am going to discuss. The reason I bring up this idea that own bodies can betray us is because there is one particular peculiarity that I experience on a regular basis.

When I meet someone new, say a first date, or I spend time with someone I’m not on the living together closeness scale with, is when it strikes. I usually spend a good deal of time listening intently to conversation and making witty attempts in order to impress the other person on some level, or at the very least let them know I am listening. While this conversation is taking place a curious sensation begins to brew in the lower quadrant of my abdominal section. A slow churning rumble sets up shop and continues to bubble about. At first it’s mildly distracting; I think “Okay, that’s gas, please don’t fart.” I feel it work its way down to the sphincter and begin to apply pressure. Now, I am a professional at the silent fart, however, they are also the most deadly of gases yet to be discovered by mankind. Pretty sure that is why I have never had an alien probe experience yet; word is out in the cosmos. So, I squeeze it, right, pushing the unholy bubble back up to save the olfactory receptor of my friend or possible romantic interest. If this was a one hour encounter, I would be just fine, but somehow I always end up in a situation where I have to fart so bad and I am with someone I want to visit with for hours on end. The logical thing to do would be to excuse myself to the bathroom to go fart and turn on the exhaust fan right? No, because again my own physiology hates me. Go the bathroom, and it’s a no go. The fart goes away. So I come back and again engage in conversation, only to again feel the rumble in my tummy, that isn’t hunger. This goes on for hours to the point that my stomach hurts and I’m so distracted by fear of erupting in a stinky green blast I can’t focus on what the other person is saying. So yeah, I need to end the date. We say our good-byes and I wish so badly that could spend more time with this person. I wish I could fart in a freaking bathroom like a normal person.

So I hop in my car and begin to relax on my drive home. Even relaxing in the car I can’t let one go. It’s like it’s stuck in there, just hanging out waiting for some hot guy to walk up and say “Hi” before it can pop out. So, I go by the store because there are a few things I need to pick up. While walking it seems the hideous pressure is relieved a bit. I feel it works its way down and I am so relieved it is, however I am a few miles away from the bathroom and I DO NOT want to hold this any longer. So I go in for the silent but deadly. Fully prepared to either steep in my own brand or walk off and “shop” for something else until the cloud clears. I let it go. To my horror, all the pressure that built up made silence impossible. Breeeuuuuppp!!!! One of the loudest farts I have let go in my life, right in the middle of the aisle. The little girl in the cart in front of me turned around and said “ You tooted.” All I could do was look at her and shrug while putting my finger to the side of my nose. “Shhh. Don’t tell anyone, maybe they didn’t notice” I say. She shakes her head, and looks at me like I’ve lost my mind “Oh, they noticed.”

Again I look around me. And I think to myself, well, at least it wasn’t a hot guy walking up to say “Hi” . This time.