Tuesday, July 31, 2012

An Open Letter

You ever feel that your life is missing something special? I know exactly what it is. It is more me. If you don not know who I am, where the hell have you been? Instead of looking at nun porn, you should be reading more me. I will say Two Nuns, One Goblet was awesome and fully satisfying for the lonely male. Let me introduce myself for those who don't actually get out. My name is Stick Figure (I started seeing this Brit. She had one really perky tit. She was following her lifelong Olympic Dream. It's sad that she only got the bronze cause she wouldn't swallow my cream.) Dan. I was sitting by the fattest man on two white hairy legs today. He told me that I needed to promote something for the site. I told him to fucking go to another state for a girl. I guess I have to since he does give me a place to speak my mind. So blah, blah, Blah, Hall of Hunks contest, blah blah, Starts tomorrow. Eh. I am no ones bitch on this website. I was watching some sporting events at the Olympics and I was confused.

Dear International Olympic Committee,

I love watching the Summer Games. Every 4 years is much easier to handle than every year like that fucking non sport Nascar. Want to know what happens when Dale Earnhardt takes 3 left turns? He crashes into the 4th. If you are offended by that, you need to put down the Pabst Blue Ribbon and watch a real sport like handball. Now, after watching some of these events, I only have one question for you. What in the hell possessed you to make some of these an actual event? Speed walking. Nothing strikes fear in the heart of competitors like a bright red track suit. Fat people rejoice, you have a shot at a medal. I was going to make fun of Table Tennis, but those guys are talented. Canoe. White Water Rafting. I didn't know you were going to give out medals for things you do through your midlife crisis. In 2016, they will have a race to see the first 40 year old man to buy a motorcycle to will win a gold medal. Rhythmic Gymnastics, the things that young boys do when their mom's are out grocery shopping. Richard might know a thing or two about that. Put in some real sports please. Lacrosse, baseball, softball, sex. Now, that is a gold medal I know I will win. Twice.

Figure it Out