Friday, July 13, 2012

Diary Of An Asshole

Yesterday started off like any other day. It was quiet and more than likely I was thinking about a girl that I could never have. I swear it's getting bad. I am cuddling with a roll of paper towels. The good thing is that if I am to make a mess, it can be cleaned up very quickly. It has been hot and unusually dry. I decided it would be best for me to get out of bed. I looked out the window to a surprise that I wasn't expecting. The wind was kicking up. Storm Clouds are moving in. No, this is not the Garth Brooks song this is legit. A flash of light goes streaking through the sky. A giant clap of thunder can be heard off in the distance. As the storm approaches the house the wind is sweeping down the plain. I am not in Oklahoma, stop giggling. There is another flash of light. Boom. The power goes out. Where is my roll of paper towels? I think I just soiled myself. It's really dusty. The wind is blowing a dust cloud right for the house. I hunker down in the fetal position, screaming for my mommy. I can't see anything out the window. The dust cloud has blocked any view that I have. All of a sudden there is a knock at the door. The last I remembered no one knew where I was at. My next guess is that is was Rent A Center coming to find a television. I slowly proceeded to the door as the knocking kept getting louder and louder. I was becoming pissed. The next thought is that this is some crazy Jehovah's Witness at the door. I open the door and yelled “WHAT!!!” There was a man standing there wearing a duster. Kinda makes sense with the dust storm. I was never able to see the man's face. He reaches inside his coat. I knew this is the way I was going to go. I am too cute to die. He pulls out this notebook. He hands it to me. I am really confused. The man in a very gruff voice says “You need to make this public, son. This is the Diary of An Asshole. You need to tell your readers every entry so that they are aware of the scum of the earth.” I take the notebook and while I was looking up the man was gone. This is very weird. I sit down and open the diary. You know he was kind of an asshole when he has a diary and not a journal. Not very manly. The first page, told me who this belonged to. It was the diary of a man named Jet Reno. I was already scared shitless. I know I am going to do what this mysterious man at the door asked me to do. I decided the best way would be just to open the diary to a random page and just write the entry.

These are those entries.

November 22, 2004

Dear Diary,

I met a woman today. I told her that I didn't want to be in a relationship with her but I did tell her that she was going to be the only woman I fucked. I met a second woman today. I told her that I didn't want to be in a relationship with her but I did tell her that she was going to be the only woman I fucked. I am now exclusively fucking two women that don't know about each other. Diary, you are the only one who knows how awesome of an asshole I am.

April 14, 2005

Dear Diary,

I wish I had never moved into this house. My soon to be ex roommate. You know my plan, Diary. This house will be all mine when I am done. She brought over some friend of her's to stay here. Diary, I hate this prick. I decided to play some mind games with them. I changed the password on my wireless modem. Not the best idea, diary. I pissed him off. He says he works online. I have seen his site it sucks. They moved my couches which I stole rightfully from an ex girlfriend of mine. They replaced it with a hideous green couch. When the two of them left to pick up her child, I decided to walk down stairs. Diary, you know as well as I do, that when you have to go, you have to go. I whipped out my little Wilbur and started to pee. The only place I could go was on the couch. Oops. I guess I will tell her my dogs did it. AHAHAHA. It's good being an asshole.

December 27, 2011

Dear Diary,

I found a pint of Twix Ice Cream in the freezer. I knew it belonged to my best friend. Well, that son of a bitch wasn't here. Best Ice Cream this asshole ever ate.

August 11, 1998

Dear Diary,

I learned a lesson today, Diary. Never fucking date a cop. You remember me talking about Miranda? Well, she placed a restraining order against me. It was the 14th one filed against me. If I get 4 more, diary, I get to be placed on a very prestigious list. My name will be included with Charlie Sheen. One can only hope, Diary. I needed to get my stuff out of her house. That bitch puts it all in the attic. Today, I knew she wouldn't be there for a while. I knew this was perfect opportunity for me to sneak in and get my shit. Diary, I tell people I had city cops with me. It makes me look like a victim. I play that very well. They weren't with me. I broke into the house myself. I was so close to getting my shit. One problem, I decided to it during her lunch break. I knew I should have finished school but it's hard after you keep flunking. She locked me in the fucking attic until her friends were to show up. This might be the last time I get to write in you for a while, Diary. I am about to become someone's butt bitch. I guess this asshole is going to have his ripped.