Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Dreaded Dating Stage PT.3

Normally, The Dreaded Dating Stage is me talking about horrible dating experiences. This is going to be no exception to that rule. This is going to be three little stories rolled up into one. Each story has one common denominator. In each of the stories we watched the same movie. Now just coming out and telling you what movie it was, makes it no fun. Let me give you some clues. Clue #1. It is a musical. If you guessed The Sound of Music, please move back to the hills so you can hear it. Do I really look like I like that movie. Clue #2. I have seen this movie in the theater. If you guessed, Rock of Ages, you would be wrong as no one actually saw that movie in theaters. Clue #3 This movie is very iconic. If you guessed Grease, well that proves you lousing with virginity. Clue #4. A man dressed like a woman. If you guessed, Hairspray, You just just stopped the beat. I think you know where this is going. If you can't get it after this final clue, it might be time to get out more. Clue #5. Let's Do The Time Warp Again. If you guessed Rocky Horror Picture Show. You would be correct. Yes, this one very strange movie that is so much fun to go see at Midnight. If you haven't you should check it out. Just don't invite me and let me tell you why. I like to call this The Rocky Horror Picture Stories.

I love seeing this in the theater. It's a completely different experience. Plus, how often can you throw toast at the screen. That right there should be enough motivation to go see it. One time a group of people asked me if I wanted to go. I am not going to turn this down at all. I find my coolest sweater vest and some thighty whiteys. There is a mental image for all you single ladies out there. I am dressed up as Brad Majors. If you just yelled asshole at the computer screen when reading that. Please call me. We go we watch the movie. Nothing crazy has happened...YET. One of my friends gets the bright idea that we should all go back to their place to do some karaoke. Drunk people in costumes, singing Journey. Can life get any better? Well, a totally different group of people heard us. The ring leader of this decision and their group has a conversation. In my head this is how I guessed they signed a peace treaty back in the day. In less than 20 seconds we are going to fill an apartment with not just our group of 6 but we also just added 5 more. We get back to my friend's place. Booze is being served. The song choice for the night? The Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack. I am not going to into detail as to how the singing went other than this. Think of the worst possible episode of Glee you can imagine and multiply that by 11. Well, a girl from their group and I started talking. I knew I was out of this girls league. I don't mean that as to she was ugly, I was the ugly one. That girl was way too hot for me. Want to know what changes that? Liquor. It was her turn to sing. She grabs the mic. Locks her drunken beautiful green eyes on my chubby ass and says this song was dedicated to me. (I forgot to add this. It was Halloween, and she was dressed as a sexy sailor.) She started singing Touch Me. She wanted to jump my bones and I am sure as hell not talking about the chicken wings I was eating. After, she belted out the song, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to get some. I am a red blooded male, Damn it. We go back into my friend's room. Things started to hot and heavy. It was a damn good time. I am not going into detail, but I did my job. She wanted more. I am not going to turn this down. She looked at me with a straight face and asked if I would fist her. In that moment of me being a little tipsy. I just busted out laughing. Why? I was wondering if Jeff Dunham makes all his puppets say that to him before he does a show? She got pissed off at me and she left with her friends. This is also the only one night stand, I have ever had in my life. I never got her number or her name. She will always be known as the sexy sailor puppet.

I was sitting at my house alone on a Saturday night. I was thinking of going to bed early. It was around 9 or so. I get a message on a dating site from someone who lived in the same town as me. We messaged back and forth THREE TIMES, let me say that for the people in the back who couldn't hear me, THREE TIMES. We met 10 minutes later. I get to her house after a nice brisk six block walk. I was wore out. I am fat don't judge me. She wants to watch a movie. You know the movie. Being the good host she was, she asked if I wanted something drink. She ran down the list of what she had. I chose something that I hadn't had in forever. Kool Aid. I wish I would have known that this wasn't just the Kool Aid that came from the pouch with the creepy smiling pitcher on it. No, this Kool Aid had and extra ingredient. Vodka. I take the glass from her and begin to chug. I was thirsty. Half way down with the first drink, it clicks in my mind. Hey, dipshit. There is booze in this. Being the nice that I am, I continued drinking and continued drinking. Thirty of four minutes later. I am not really sure. I pretty much polished off an entire fifth. That is a lot of booze. I wish I could tell you what happened during the drunk period. I honestly don't remember at all. The morning after, I do remember if it was like yesterday. I woke up wearing a firefighter hat and a very sparkly red prom dress. I think I was telling the world that I am hot.

This is the most recent story and maybe funny for reasons that shouldn't be at all. My friend and I made a bet that you can not find a normal woman off Craigslist. We both put up an ad. This girl happened to find my ad funny and thought I seemed cool. She was mistaken but hey, everyone gets lucky once. She responded and we started talking. We had quite a bit in common. I was thinking I might lose the bet but gain someone pretty awesome. We have had one date so far and it went pretty good actually. We decided to have a second date that I would cook dinner and watch a movie. She has never seen Rocky Horror and that is what we agreed on to watch. She arrives after making me wait three hours. I think that is the first sign that I should have given up on the night entirely. However, I am a glutton for punishment. I put in the movie. We are taken on a ride of transvestites and silly dances. Have you ever been in a place to eat and you just see a kid sitting in a corner pissed off cause he has to eat something he doesn't want. This would be the exact way to describe how she acted during the whole movie. We go upstairs after it's over. She tells me how stupid it is, I tell her that her face is stupid. I didn't really say that but it seemed childish and fun to add to the story. The night was fun, she leaves. The next day we talk a little bit then all of a sudden she just stops talking to me. I become confused like a bisexual in an orgy. A few days go by and no word from her. I am calling it now, a big loss there. (Please Read that with sarcasm.) I get an email finally and she talks about how she just isn't ready for a relationship. That she needed to figure out everything. She was about ready to cry at my house. She didn't feel safe. One I have the strength of your average iCarly fan, 99% of women over the age of 7 can kick my ass. Second, my female roommate was there too. Third. Why didn't she just go home. Normally, I wouldn't post this but I was at my friends a day or two after she sends me her 11th email that I don't respond to. He gets an email from her saying the same exact thing as her first email was to me, of what she wants in a man. Pot. Brad. Kettle. Kettle. Pot. Rocky. Dr. Scott. Pot. Janet. Kettle. I knew I should have just ended it when she hated Rocky Horror. This also proves that you can not find true love on Craigslist. Herpes, might be a different discussion.

Next time you are sitting down to watch the Rocky Horror Picture show and want something strange to happen just give me a call.