Wednesday, July 04, 2012

The Drunk Files


The 4th of July has led me to believe one statement ring true more than any. It's always more fun to be wasted when doing something. Today, it would be getting drunk and throwing a firecracker in a toilet to watch the prank of exploding diarrhea. However, there is one man who this is a way a life. There is one man that can do anything as long as there is a Bud Light in his hand. Back by popular demand, 6 of the 12 readers demanded it, it is the return of The Drunk Files. Yes, these are the stories of your favorite drunken fucktard, The Murph. For people, just checking out the site. These stories are true and a little scary. We do protect the names of the innocent, he might be wanted in Austria. We are still checking our sources to know for sure. The next entry into The Drunk Files is called, Is that a Sausage link?

It was just like any other night for me. I hopped on something and rode it hard. I want everyone to see my ride. After, I was finished fucking my girl's brain out. Told you I ride hard. I decided to get on my other girlfriend. This ride is much smoother than the girl I was spanking with the chords to my television set. This here is my baby. My bike. My bike and I have had many good times together. She gets me from A to B and makes women wanna C. I got on her and decided to go to one of my favorite watering holes so I can drink some beer and party the weekend up.

My arrival is greeted by other bikers. Once they see me walk into a room they know that the mother fucking party has started. They are Damn right. I look at the barkeep, she looks back at me. She immediately knows I want a Bud Light in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Well, that is how I played it out in my head. Someone ordered for me as she was bringing it to the table. I thought it would make me look like a complete bad ass. One beer down and the band hasn't even started yet. I knew this was going to be a damn good night.

The band started playing my favorite song ever. Pretty Good at Drinking Beer. If that was a damn Olympic sport, I would win all three medals. I would have to finish everyone’s beer for them. I may be skinny but underneath all that non fat lies, the making of one bad ass beer gut. The band keeps playing and I keep drinking. It made me wonder taking in this much liquid in one short amount of time is what it's like for me when a slut goes down on me? I am guessing a Hell Yea Ass Clowns!!!

42 beers later. I swear I lost count after beer 26. The show was over. There is only one thing to do at this time of the night. Go to the mother fucking Huddle House. Those who are not aware of The Huddle House, you are freaking missing out. It's like Waffle House but one difference, The food doesn't leave you shitting a pound of Crisco. I am with people very close and some woman that it would take all week to kiss her ass. We walk in the door, and I get a huge whiff of bacon. I am sure as hell not talking about the food. Every cop in the city was sitting in there stuffing their face. (Here is a Quick Fact from Richard. If cops are eating there, the food is awesome.) I knew this was going to be trouble from the minute I walked in. Not for me. For those mother fuckers.

I order my meal. I don't think it matters what it was but my guess is that it was really fucking greasy. Nothing gets rid of a drunk feeling than something greasy. However, one of the cops said to us,”He better not cause us any trouble.” That was my fucking cue to do something so monumental in stupidity that the only explanation is that I was drunk. The waitress brings me my eats. I slapped her on the ass and called her doll face. The idea hit me so fast, I thought I had sat down on a Taser again. I finish my food and everyone is still eating. That means they don't have a damn chance to talk me out of this idea. I am going to be a fucking legend after this.

I get up and head to the door. I calmly walk out of The Huddle House. The cops are all staring at me as if I was a worker at Krispy Kreme. At that moment, 8 cops started getting a bewildered look on their face. Ladies, stay calm after reading this. I am a one woman man unless you are freaky, than I am a two woman man. I know it's hard not to get turned on by this. I can't blame you if you do. I just played with my nipples a little bit. I started to take off my shirt. The cops face slowly look with a What the Fuck Face. I take off my pants. 4 out of 5 cops are getting pissed. The 5th cop was slightly turned on. I take off my underwear. I am standing completely naked. I do the Truffle Shuffle and just take off running down the highway.

I was told by my posse that they have never seen a group of officers get out of their chair so quickly. They all take off for their cars. They are in hot pursuit of the naked man. I link sausage flapping in the breeze. My waffle ass bouncing up and down. I hear sirens starting to go off all around me. These guys are never going to take me alive. I find myself close to a bank. The best thing is to hide in the bush and pretend I am some sort of woodland creature. I realized something. I had my cell phone. I am not telling you where I hid it but it got 4g in a 3g only area. Fucking right. I called up my woman after two hours of hiding in a bush in front of a bank. I am not saying which bank in hope someday that they will give me a loan to start my own brewery. We got home, I got laid. I was already naked. There wasn't much work on my part.

The moral of this story kids, if you do something stupid to make sure all the cops in the town are eating breakfast at 1 A.M.

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