Monday, July 16, 2012

The Skinny Dip of Random

It's the beginning of a new week and like America's favorite fat cat. I hate them but I know one way we can change your Monday's to make them even better. I am sorry but naked celebs I cannot produce. If I could do you seriously think that I would be writing for a site like this. I would be working somewhere with a little class. I have been told that anyone can be a writer for AOL now a days. I have a ton of random thoughts and ideas going through my head. They just weren't big enough for their own pieces. That means you are going to be served a big helping of stupid with a small amount of Mrs. Dash. A big bowl of randomness is a dish best served with ranch dressing.

I have turned my friend from the ways of the dark side. I have finally broken him of his terrible soda habits. No more Communistic Coca Cola for him. I got him to do the Pepsi Challenge. Pepsi won out with a huge margin. It also helps that I threw all of his coke shit out and both glasses had Pepsi in them. I know it's not ethical but he now returns to the Jedi.

I went skinny dipping for the first time in my life last night. That was an interesting experience. I got to see more cleavage than Hugh Hefner got to see an hour last night. Sadly, that was just from the fat guys.

Northeast Arkansas has the worst mosquito problem in the United States. It saddens me to say this. I will not be smelling sexy for the ladies. I will be having the great smell of Outdoor scented OFF. If I get laid during this time period, I will have found my soul mate.

Manos and The Hands of Fate is without a doubt The Worst Movie EVER MADE. That is really sad considering I sat through Miss Congeniality 2.

I want to picture my face. What would be the first song that comes to your mind if I were to sing Karaoke? I am guessing My Humps didn't cross your mind.

I have decided that the first thing I look for in a woman is that she has a vagina. I am not asking for much. Am I? If you meet this requirement. Drop me a line so true love can blossom.

Not to be confused with the TV show Blossom.

A woman on the show Cheer Perfection, said that one of the biggest things that people think about in Arkansas is Cheerleading. I beg to differ. Bacon should be number one on that list.

If a skinny person wrote that last statement they would be blasted. For once Thank God I am Pudgy.

Can You trust a man cooking bacon, when he is not wearing pants?

When I think BBQ, the last place that comes to mind is fucking Burger King.

It is good to be back home with one exception. Cuddling with a bigger guy with back hair is not how I thought I was going to wake up this morning.


Fuck this. I am done. I am going to bed.


Jim Dick said...

Arkansas does not equal bacon. Arkansas equals meth-toothed yokel sitting in an out-house.

howard stern said...

Im pretty sure you saw more than man boobies last night

Richard Pruitt said...

Jim, this state has bacon flavored meth. The local K-Mart has everything.
Howard: I am guessing that is not your real name but when you are fat, you can't really see anything but tits.