Monday, August 27, 2012

The Big Bowl Of Random

I was sitting here in redneck hell today and I was doing a lot of thinking. I have learned when I use my mind that I become very hungry. I have to fuel this sex machine somehow. I was thinking about what sounded really good to munch on. I decided to look in the cupboard. I was sad I didn't find an Indian in there but what I did find I thought I would share. I have been slaving over a hot stove all day to serve you a big bowl of random. For those of you that are not familiar to this party. This is just a rambling of thoughts and shit that has happened that is not big enough for its own piece. Today's helping will be served in those plastic bowls with the straws attached to them.

Has anyone seen these backpacks that are being sold for kids that have a car alarm in them? In the ad, a girl is being picked on at school. She pulls a ripcord and the most annoying sound ever comes out of this thing. If I was a bully that would make me want to beat the kid more.

First adult I ever see use one of these, I will be pointing and laughing.

Speaking of backpacks, Why do parents have to use those backpacks that have the leashes on them? Do you have your kid pee on a pad to house train them. I understand why the newspaper business is failing in this country. Kids are afraid of being beaten with them.

A roadside stand outside of Corning Arkansas misspelled the word peaches by spelling it peeche. See what public education does for us. The word is one the side of the box and they still shank it.

A few miles up the road another roadside stand was having a Saturday Day but guess what? They misspelled Saturday. It was spelled Satherday. That is the beginning of a really bad porn.

On my birthday, I was blessed by seeing two girls make out. 10 days later. I am still sporting that boner. I wonder if that is why I am sleeping a lot? Should I have that checked?

Your life is not complete until you watch Small Town Security on AMC. WORST SHOW EVER

I had a date this past weekend with an actual woman. My lungs were happy I didn't have to blow her up.

Sunday Morning, I decided to carry this beautiful woman into the bedroom and use my caveman instincts. I picked her up and got to the doorway and forgot that there was a fan in the doorway. Needless to say, I was Hulk Hogan and I body slammed her just like he did to Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania 3. The difference, I also bit it. I guess you can say we both fell head over heels. Literally.

Second ending to that story: I dropped it like it was hot.

I had a talk with the fan in question, it just blew me off.

Who wants to play a rimshot after that one?

I will make a Weeble fall down.

Lance Armstrong’s victories are all going to people who have already been proven guilty of doping. The world of cycling wins the DUMBASS OF THE YEAR AWARD. That is like taking away a meal from a family of 4 and giving it to Michael Phelps.

It can only be true love when anal sex is involved. #analsexequalstruelove If that starts trending on Twitter, I will be one happy mofo. 

I can't be the only guy in the world who's junk feels free when wearing panties? 

That is a show stopper.