Tuesday, September 18, 2012

It Came From Craigslist

I have to admit, it is really fun searching the internet for some insane deals. What did we do for bargains before the days of Amazon, ebay and Buy.com? How did we look for love before the days of E-Harmony and match? Well, there is a website out there that showcases both of them in one really awesome URL. That website is Craigslist. The only website that you can buy something and trade it for a golden shower in the casual encounters section. I have searched Craigslist for the weird, the obscure and the just plain creepy. These are my findings.

Hi. My friend would really like to meet the person who snuck this horse into a hotel. Was it you? Was it your friend? Let me know if you have any info!

Let's see how many jokes we can make.
I wonder if a jar of peanut butter did more than make him talk.
I bet he was horsing around.
Best kinky sexy ever.
Hi Ho Silver Away.
Why does he get the window bed? Says a pissed off Tonto.

I'm new to town and need someone to help me for about half an hour while I give my rockin' awesome cat a haircut. I don't want to pay a groomer $75 and don't want to stress my fantastic feline out by taking him somewhere he's not comfortable. He is very docile and does not mind this procedure; it's just a two man job that I'm short a reliable person to operate. All I need you to do is 1) Be cool 2) Dig cats 3) Hold my cat for half an hour. He 1) Rawks 2) Will not bite, scratch, urinate, defecate and/or molest, harry and/or pillage your forearm region. He will 1) lick 2) head butt and/or 3) give aforementioned area loving attention. 

This needs to be done at my apartment and I will pay compensate you with beer, good music, stimulating conversation & $10 (It's not much, but you're doing this because it will make a great story). You may bring a companion, alert the authorities of your whereabouts and do anything else you need to make sure you feel safe. I will not monetarily compensate any colleagues you bring; however, said cohorts may help themselves to one of the following options 1) one alcoholic beverage & one snack 2) two non-alcoholic beverages & one snack 3) unlimited ice cold water & two snacks. Also, your may choose to watch television and/or listen to my massive collection of vintage and contemporary vinyl collection while grooming is being performed.

Let me know you're not a weirdo, creep show and/or otherwise sketch ball in your reply. This is life low hanging bucket list/life adventure fruit y'all.

So, just to let you know Bro, if that damn cat tries to molest me while holding it down. I am out and I am taking three beers, bitch. I think I am going to add getting some sort of disease by getting the ever living shit clawed out of me by a cat to my Bucket List.

 I am preparing to make my debut as Raleigh's first masked Crime-Fighter/Caped-Crusader/Masked Avenger/Protector of Truth and the Innocent, and am in need of a sidekick. Perhaps you have seen my post in the N&O regarding this position opening. I need someone who is available nights and weekends, and who can supply their own costume. I have a car that will be the crime fighting mobile, as yet to be named (that name depends upon the name I chose for my crime-fighting alter ego). It would be cool if you could help out with gas money sometimes, though, if I happen to be short here and there. Discretion is a must as no one must learn of our TRUE IDENTITIES! If they are compromised, so will be our crime-fighting efficacy. This is more of an unpaid internship type situation, so if you're looking to get rich, this might not be for you. Although I would not be surprised if we are presented the KEY TO THE CITY soon after our criminal-foiling commences. If you're looking to fight evil in all its forms and be a beacon of truth and justice, then you have come to the right place. Please send a resume to this post in response. All serious applicants considered. Finalists will be granted a masked "face-to-face" interview in my secret lair, after which, if you are hired, you will learn my TRUE IDENTITY. This is not a sexual thing, although I think we should wear fairly tight-fitting costumes, as we will be scaling fire escapes and leaping from rooftop to rooftop, and will have enough to deal with having capes, much less baggy shorts or something of the like. I should mention that my costume so far consists of a kelly green cape, so that color is taken. You should be encouraged, however, to know that you will be free to pick your own color scheme and costume. I only ask that it semi-compliment mine. I will not discriminate on basis of gender, religion, race, or anything like that- but if someone is pretty buff it is a no-brainer that they will move to the front of the line. I will consider a skinny or out-of-shape person with the right attitude, however, as wonders can be done with a little neoprene padding under lycra! I look forward to perusing your resumes, and all reasonable applicant replies will get a response from me, Raleigh's Avenger of Justice and Freedom as yet to be named! 

If anyone wants to know the Whereabouts of fellow Buzz Kill Writer Justin is, I think I found him. My superpower is running around screaming like a little girl. They call me Pussy Boy. We can team up to make the bad guys start laughing so hard, the police arrive.

My husband and I are in desperate need of a personal ass wiper and wiener holder. Both of us work 60 plus hours per week and are too tired to cook, clean, or do anything really at the end of the day, including wiping our ass after taking a shit and in my husband's case holding his wiener while he takes a piss. I would need someone to carry us to the bathroom as well, since at home we don't wanna have to strain ourselves by using our legs. 

If this is actually a legit problem. It is time to evaluate your life. Just saying.  Knowing my luck, they are both over 300 lbs and no average man can carry that much weight. Well, except the guy banging the mom from Honey Boo Boo.