Sunday, October 21, 2012

Am I Living A Fairy Tale?

As I progressed through my teen years I made a list of the qualities of things I have wanted in a man, the list seems rather long and probably insane to most of the men left on this planet. There are very few good men even left in this world.  I wrote this list when I was seventeen years old and it's still true today. Nevertheless, here is the list.

  • He must accept me for me, and know that I’m not perfect.
  • He must look past my disability almost as if it doesn’t exist.
  • He must be a nerd and enjoy all things superhero, sports and horror movie and video game related.
  • He must make me laugh.
  • He must stand by my side when I’m sad or angry.
  • He should treat me like a princess, like I’m the only girl he ever sees.
  • He should be romantic.
  • I should trust him without trying.
  • He should take pride in my passion for writing.
  • He should understand that when I say I want him and only him that I mean it.
  • He should never be afraid to tell me when I’m wrong and I should accept it.
  • He should never be afraid to express emotions.
  • He should hold me.
  • He should show me off to the world.
  • We should be so close that I never want to leave his side and if I do, we should both long for the company again.
  • He should call me beautiful.
  • We should be best friends
  • Falling in love should be effortless.
  • If we ever get scared, we talk it out.
  • We share everything.
  • He’ll accept my crazy moments like singing in the shower, dancing in the kitchen and corny attempts to be funny.
  • He’ll love me in sweatpants and no make up just as much as he loves me in a dress.
  • He will adore Christmas like I do.
  • He’ll appreciate little things like notes, dates, dinners, and cheesy love songs.
  • He will never lie to me
  • He will always be true.
  • He’ll accept my past and help me grow and learn from it.
  • I should be safe with him in every aspect of the word.
  • He’ll call me cute little things that only we laugh about.
  • We should travel the world together and enjoy every second
  • If we fight and I run away, he will chase after me.
  • He will give me his heart and I will give him mine.
  • Most importantly he will love me, all of me for as long as we’re together.
Part of me thought this list would never be something that truly existed somewhere.  I have been through so much heartbreak. I went through a five year relationship and almost married a man that never even loved me. I fell for someone I've known since 10th grade, but neither of us were ready we were both still hurt by the past, we are better friends. Then, I started dating a guy who I thought would suit me well, but he wasn’t ready for the things I’m ready for. He was acting how I did when all the mess happened with my five year ex. He just wasn’t ready.  I had come to a realization that I put a lot into relationships and not everyone is ready for it. My aunt Steph has seen first hand how dedicated I can be and how much I have to offer. I left a party because I didn’t want to be at a party while my boyfriend was in Fayetteville  at home alone. I do a lot of things guys say they want, but then it happens, and its like they get clueless. I rode twenty six hours on a bus just to see someones face for a few days. After all the trying and failed attempts I honestly thought for the longest that I was doomed to be forever alone. Maybe no one would really see me and only see the cerebral palsy. As strong as I am that’s my biggest fear. It affects the way I walk, which is the very FIRST thing people notice. Maybe I should give up? Do I deserve better?  I decided I did but it wasn’t the best time to be looking for it. Maybe I never should’ve looked for it all. I was okay being with who I was at this point in my life. I am in college and have a place with my best friend. I've got my family back. I was content. Well you know that old saying “Life will happen when you least expect it”? It's never been so true. Everyone knows there are several social networking sites out in this world.  Who uses them? Everybody. Whether we want to admit it its true. But most people don’t think they would ever find somebody genuine. I know I never did. Until, one simple message that said “Hi” The guy was pretty cute so I decided to message him back. I did and we talked on messages for a while and something just felt different about him. Message after message was sent for about a week and then one of us just decided lets have the other one’s phone number. That was a huge step for me.  Then the time came… he called……. I was so nervous I was damn near shaking after those first few seconds it was effortless. All I wanted to do was talk to him. We shared secrets. We learned we were both writers. That was heart pitter patter number one.  We started to text constantly. We started to talk at night before we went to sleep. Then he said something along the lines of “We should meet up” after two weeks of texting all day, talking all night until we passed out it finally happened.

The day came for us to meet up with each other. We had talked about what we thought was going to happen. Shared secrets, shared our flaws, but yet I was completely sure that something good would come of this. I wasn’t nervous at first. I looked cute. I had fresh breath I was ready. The phone rings. I hear him ask me “Where is your house, I think I passed it” It being Halloween my yard and house are fully decked out in blood, guts, and creatures of the night. I explained that to him and about a minute later I heard a knock on the door. My heart fell into my shoes. I’m pretty sure my stomach did some sort of Olympic gymnast move. I stood there for a good ten seconds terrified to open that door. This was it.

I opened the door and there he stood. All bright eyed and excited. It was a huge relief. I stood there dazed and nearly forgot I didn’t have any of my stuff with me. I walked to my room to get it and he followed. The dogs went nuts because he was new.  (You see we had planned to go spend time in Jonesboro so that we could write and do a podcast together which meant I had to stay the night…. Brave I know.) That's why I had to go get my bag The dogs went nuts jumping and wanting him to play and then slowly but surely despite the crazy dogs. He hugged me. I instantly felt warm, that was completely and utterly new to me. We headed out to the car, put my stuff in it and headed to Jonesboro. I expected the car ride to be awkward, but honestly…. It was very comfortable. I almost felt like I had known him for years. We laughed, we joked, and it hit me that he was different no matter how much I wanted to fight it. Id look back to look at him and he was already looking at me. Our eyes would meet and it was almost like we were already having a conversation. After about an hour of joking and laughing we arrive in Jonesboro at Chris’s apartment (he was with us, he drove, which I totally love him for) I was shown around we nerded out a bit. The three of us talked. Then like magic Chris disappeared outside. It was silent. My heart was racing I was secretly wanting to kiss this man all night, but I didn't want to seem crazy or desperate. We had been holding hands all night perfectly content, but our eyes met this time differently. We were both nervous as our lips touched.  And then once again the world threw me for a loop. I will swear to the day I'm one hundred and fifty years old time stopped when I kissed him. From that point on we were both like little children. We had so much fun together I even fell asleep in his arms that first night. Also ended up staying another night, because we just wanted to be around each other, it was a good feeling. Day two, was just as good as the first. We ended up going to Walmart where I grabbed his hand while we were walking, again it felt so right but I couldn’t put it into words how I felt or why I felt that way. All I knew is that this was that moment I had searched for and I just wanted more.  I wanted him to be mine, but I wanted to do it right.

I left to go back home, we were both sad, and I wouldn’t let him go. I kissed him and watched him walk out the door once we got back to my house…. And even though I was sad he left. I couldn’t stop smiling. He texted me and called me that night and every night after that for a while, but one of those nights was different. I had explained to him that I really liked him and he really likes me too. I said I want to try this we were both leery. We were both scared because of the past. Then I get a phone call from him. I said ” Hey babe” and he just lets words fly from his lips.

“Let’s do this, I’m ready”
My stupid ass goes ” What are you talking about, you must be drunk right now”
” Laura I’m not drunk I want you to be mine”
” I don’t want to do this until we’re both ready I don’t want to get hurt again”
” Laura you are the one I want, I want this, I want you.”
“Are you sure”
“Yes, now, Laura will you be my girlfriend?”
I nearly died. Literally nearly died. Surely my heart was out of my chest and on the floor at this point. I knew this was what I wanted I also knew I was falling for him. Hook. Line and sinker.
 ” Yes, I will be your girlfriend.”

We both got excited then argued over who got to change the relationship status over Facebook.  October 13, 2012. The day my best friend asked me to be his girlfriend. I have shared with him every single detail about my life he accepts me for me and all my craziness.  He is literally every single thing on the list that started out this post and so many other things I never even knew I wanted in a man. I’m extremely lucky every day I get to call him mine. I have fallen in love with him. We were friends first and because we took the time to get to know each other, we fell in love and we fell fast.  Every day with him is like my own personal fairytale. I couldn’t ask for a better man to share my life with.

He doesn’t even know, I’m writing this right now and part of me hopes he never knows. But I can honestly say without a doubt in my mind that I believe this man may very well be the other half of my heart.

I love him with all my heart. I am his girl and he is my man. I am ready to have a love story that makes the movies jealous.