Tuesday, October 16, 2012

It Came From Criagslist

I have been really busy lately but there is one thing that I will still find the time to do. I have determined that you can find anything on the internet, Amazon.com and eBay are the two easiest sites to find what you are looking for. However, what about the bastard step child of these buying and selling sites. Where not only can you buy a used a mattress that two lesbians used to get it on and smelled like the inside of a Romancing the Stone, you can find the fucking of your dreams. There is only one website on the world wide web that has all of this and just a little bit more. That site is Criagslist. These are ads posted on the most famous creepiest site in the world. Let me remind you these ads are real.

I would like a Pineapple delivered to the downtown doorstep of a good friend. I am out of town or I would do it. Just go to the grocery store, buy a pineapple and set it down in front of the back door of this persons apartment. Simple!!
I’ll pay $25 via Paypal.
I prefer young student type, not delivery drivers. Let me know.

I am guessing someone likes to get freaky with a pineapple and a friend just found out about it. When life hands you pineapples, you stand there and look fucking confused. This is from Raleigh, I have a feeling Justin is up to something.

I’m a man of many titles, wit da skillz to pay the bizzy bizzys. You need someone like Yeezy or Hova types of skill to produce yo slop, but can’t cough up da jack to git it on with that level of troopa? Hire me, Da Produsa, and watch yo tracks catch on FIYA!!!!!!! I got turntables fo dat old skool wiki-wiki. I got Logics 9.0 fo you Apple homies. I’m diggity-diggity-down with Pro Tools LE if you wanna roll dat way tho. I’d give you my REZ-OO-MAY, but it’d be too long to list on here. I mainly work wit underground hip hop artists like Big Cheese, Covert Convictz, Ziggy Cardust, Mo-LEEK & the Analog Underground, and 7 year old rap sensation Lil Parchese (just a sangle tho). I can turn yo wack project into an exercise of 808 MADNESS, SON. All yo friends will be boomin YO TRACKS instead of some Pee-Wee Herman shizzy dizzy that they playin now. YO TRACKS. Imagine dat, son. Yo tracks be shinin thoo now, out da clouds, and into the limelight of loud (just a sample lyric, free uh charge…holla).
I don’t take phone calls – they awkward, making me feel put on the spot and shizzy. I need time, son. Send me an email wit yo wack, unproduced tracks, and lemme see what I can do to spruce ‘em, son. I don’t work on no projects that curse, son. I work wit intelligence, and dat what I want to produce as the product of my laborious endeavors. Don’t send me no wacky cursing tracks son, or I SHIP ‘EM BACK TO YA. I ain’t some holla-fo-ya-dolla, ho-ride producer, but I’m sho you can find nat elsewhere if you prefer to keep yo cursalities inna tracks. I work out my house right here on da east side of Coupe De ‘Ville, son, drankin Hennessey in Tennessee (but not while I’m workin, right? Heh-HEH).
Cue da wiki-wiki…So wut u waitin’ on, while otherz be gettin gone, up out da hood, while you still bein’ hated on? (ba-BOOM….ha-sss-HA, HA-HA-HA…Ba-BOOM, etc…u hear dem beats too, ain’t ya, son???)
Let Da Produsa produce, offer some lyrical authoring assistance, and get up in yo grill if you ain’t gettin it done………and watch yo tracks POP, son. Hit me up.
Shimmy-Shimmy Cocoa WHUT?!?!

Someone get Snoop Dogg, Sorry, I meant Snoop Lion on the phone and translate this shit. Pleasizzle.

I am looking for a radioactive spider to bite my three year old son Holden, so that he can be the real spiderman. 

I am looking for DHS to take someone's kid away that wants to be bitten by a radioactive spider.

We purchased a Medela ‘Swing’ Breastpump at Target for 169.99, a few weeks ago. Breastpumping is no longer working for us so we are going to part ways and do formula. It works perfectly and includes original box, manuals, and parts. Babies are expensive; you can save some cash and purchase ours!! My loss your gain!! quality product for half the price. Please email with and questions. Thanks for looking.

I have a marketing idea for Preggo Strippers. Thank you Joel from Craigslist.