Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Touched By A Mannequin

Have you ever had your testicles or if you are a woman, breasticles cupped by a nice soft hand? I am guessing yes, but this isn't where this is going at all. Halloween is quickly approaching and I was asked to help decorate my step mom's house up for the only holiday that you are allowed to dress in costume and ask random people that you have never met in your life for candy. I knew one thing that was going to happen in this situation. I was going to have dress up some mannequins. I can hardly dress myself without having difficulties so how in the blue hell am I going to dress to things that don't move. I am guessing that is how my exes how I felt about myself. First though, I had to put together a skeleton that was falling apart more than a well cooked plate of ribs. That might not have been the best analogy in the world but oh well. After trying to figure out how doing this as remembering that song that has all the bones connected song. However, I failed miserably at that because all that I could remember is Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. After stringing it up to hang on a wreath, I realized something very interesting. This was the most morbid peace sign in the history of all mankind. Don't believe me, just look at it yourself.
If that just doesn't make you want to take a step back and enjoy the irony, I don't know what will.

The main event. The Mannequins. Now, let me give you a small back story to this so you can understand how awkward this is. The Mannequins were given to my step mom after being found in some building. The owner of the building didn't know if they were there but if he did, he would have wanted to keep them. The reason, I have no clue, I am guessing so he could drive in the car pool lane. She put them out two years ago from Halloween to Christmas. Every once in a blue moon, a person who will remain nameless to protect their identity put said mannequins in dirty sexual positions. Nothing beats taking your family to Sunday Church and seeing a plastic woman give a blow job to a plastic man without a penis. Talk about having an uncomfortable car ride all the to church. "Mommy, Why was that doll's head in the other dolls crotch?" They threw some holy water and a Happy Meal his way and all would be forgotten. To my chagrin, when I got over there for Halloween decoration what would be waiting on me. Two Mannequins that were losing their limbs. It was a human puzzle that called for ductape. While trying to keep their skin on with silver band aids, I realized I was holding the woman's breast in my hand. Not cause I wanted to, but because I need the practice so I could give mammograms. I have no clue why this was taken but it will haunt me till the day I die.
God, I look like I have never grabbed a boob before. No wonder I have had to pay for sex before. I look like Jim from American Pie when Nadia touches him and premature ejaculates. It was nice just getting to start out seeing her naked though. Maybe, I have a future in being a sexual mannequin whisper. I think I am going to need therapy after those few days. Wait a Sec... I have an idea that will help me get through it all. I am going to Amazon right now and picking up this book to make me feel like the kid in the car that was going to church.