Thursday, December 06, 2012

It Came From Craigslist

I love surfing the net. Around each corner is something new and exciting. However, one of those corners is very sleazy and sometimes downright creepy. The underbelly of the world wide web. Craigslist. This is the internet's version of the black market and the red light district rolled into one. For every good transaction or meeting between people, there is a flip side. Welcome to the debut of It Came From Craigslist. This is where we find the obscure items being sold or online personal ads that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. Please remember ladies and gentleman that all of these are real ads posted by real people.

Frank Ocean – $60 (Austin)

I will literally do anything for a Frank Ocean ticket. I am a young and relatively attractive girl and there is nothing that I wont do to get into this show.

The next time Frank Ocean hits Austin will probably be at the Frank Erwin Center. I will be shocked if he doesn’t win a Grammy for album of the year.

9.5 Pitchfork? Really? Thats a little low.

To know that Frank Ocean will be hitting my city and playing such an intimate venue and I screwed up and didn’t get a ticket. It kills me. I had at least 2 months to buy them…

Please, someone – Help me…

I only have two questions. Anything? I have a hot dog bun, a cupboard full of cream corn and Dance Dance Revolution, if you know what I mean. The second question I have and it's really simple, Who the fuck is Frank Ocean?

This Michael Jordan card will CHANGE YOUR LIFE! – $2500

Do you love Michael Jordan? Of course you do. He’s black. He’s bald. He’s the best basketball player to ever walk the fucking earth. Now you can own a small piece of this superior being in the form of the card that will make your wettest dreams come true. Are you distracted by shiny things? FUCK, ME TOO! That’s why I bought it. Now I’m sharing the wealth, because I’m a giver when the price is right. This is a 95-96 Topps Finest Mystery Orange Bordered TEST REFRACTOR! Holy fucking long title! It’s almost as blinding as the light beaming from the actual card is. AND. IT. IS. GORGEOUS. Too gorgeous for my eyes to feast upon much longer. Love getting stoned? This is your new favorite card! Stare at it for countless hours while pondering the mystic synopsis of Space Jam! Oh, you hate drugs? MJ does, too! You know why? Because he fucking LOVES the kids. Even the mentally handicapped children! Go ahead and Google it, I just did. Listen, you don’t have to purchase this card. Hell, you don’t have to get laid. But don’t you want to? Point is, this card can do that for you and much more. I’d be lying if I told you owning this piece of memorabilia isn’t the sole reason my girlfriend told me I can put it anywhere I want and hold the remote simultaneously. MOTHERFUCKING MULTITASKING! Tiger Woods? Amateur. Jordan has slammed more holes on his worst day.

I know what you’re thinking. Do I really want to spend so much money on a basketball card? FUCK YES! Be like Mike and JUST DO IT!

Make me an offer I can’t refuse and if I refuse it, at least you got to read my ridiculously cliché Craigslist ad.

Perfect for the collector with ADOS! Attention Deficit OOOOH SHINY!!! Want to know something, this is why I don't bet on things I can't win. If you owe 2500 dollars to a bookie this is what you are left to do or you have a coke habit that will make Charlie Sheen jealous. Who in their right mind would pay 2500 for a card that is worth 100 at the most? I bet it is the same person who is trying to take a pretty girl to a Frank Ocean Concert.


Looking to start an orgiastic satanic cult or something fun

So I want to start some kind of fun, satanic cult. Something like was seen in Kurbrick’s ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ complete with creepy music and lots of fun orgy-like sex. Just some fun, really. But I will learn the theology of it, too. We can do the Lavey bible approach or we can create our own approach based on whatever we decide it should be. We can create our own fun, dark rituals and all be anonymous. We can play dress up or get serious, depending on the group that replies. We don’t really have to ‘worship’ Satan, but just be conscious of the existence and nature of our own dark sides. My working theory is that we’ll be able to get release of our darker impulses through this daring new venture in this stuffy, mormon environment of Utah. If someone out there has a nice space we can do our rituals and have our fun in, so much the better. I live in a 2 bedroom house in west jordan. We could worship and party with up to about 8 people here without it getting too crowded. So I guess it depends on the reply we get. Send me an email with a pic or spell out your interests. Both sexes, all ages 18 and up and all races are welcome. Please, no animal sacrifice minded folks. That’s just messy.

Those crazy Mormons.

And finally on the list of crazy Craigslist stuff.

Stripper Pole

FREE!!! I have a stripper pole that i no longer need. She broke her leg and is retiring.

Why sell it? One Legged Strippers are sexy as fuck.