Saturday, December 15, 2012

The Naughty List: Part 1

Another year has passed since the last time we have had the opportunity to talk. Last year, My friends and I had to rescue Santa, not for the first time but for the second time. Santa is kind of turning into a Damsel in Distress. The only down side about that is a woman shouldn't have that much facial hair. In all fairness, I can make you a guarantee right now. He will not be kidnapped this year. Why? I know that is what is going through your pretty little heads. It dreams of Sugar Plums dancing and how can this guy have a Christmas story without Santa being kidnapped? This year is a little different. Wait! I take that back. This year is a lot different. I want you to sit back and grab your favorite non alcoholic beverage. I have a story that is going to make you shake your head and wet yourself at the same time. Let me start with started the whole thing in the first place. My health. The struggle has been a little easier than it was. Knowing what is wrong with me now is helping me be able to cope. The headaches will not go away but I have been able to live my life as normal as possible. Well, as normal as one could be.

Since last Christmas, I have lost touch with a couple of people that were very close to me. If you remember the head elf, Christine and myself were kind of an item two years ago. Last year she left me for a guy who works for the Easter Bunny. Easter Bunny, gayest character in all of the land. The only eggs that bunny will be getting close to is of the chocolate kind. Their relationship tanked and I haven't heard from her. I think part of it has to do with the fact I changed my phone number. If you really don't want to talk to someone, become smart. Change those 7 digits and your world will change forever. I do wonder in the back of my head if she is doing alright but as a giant guy with a big head once told me, There are plenty of elves at the North Pole and I go for a different character.

After all of that last drama last Christmas, I decided to move away again. I figure I would move away to a magical far away place, where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer. I figured out that was a giant lie when I got there it was overcast and the air reeked of desperation. Desperation has the smell of dung and urine. Google it kids or just ask anyone who has ever been in the Real World House. I went out there so I could meet someone new. I have been getting hit from characters all across the board for some of this sexy piece of man meat. You help and harm Santa at the same time, you attract everybody. I went out there to meet The Tooth Fairy. Here is some advice to all the little ones reading this. There is a reason that The Tooth Fairy comes while you are sleeping. She is a kinda bitchy. I watched a video of beat down a child for just talking in his sleep. How do you think she treats a boyfriend. I decided that wasn't the best place for me plus I didn't need her messing up my money maker. (My Face) So I hopped on The Polar Express and made my way back home.

One day I get an invitation in the mail. I am 28 years old and getting a letter in the mail that isn't a bill makes me feel like a 7 year old watching Blues Clues. I figured the invite was for a birthday party or for Frosty the Snowman son's Bar Mitzvah. A secret that not many of you know, Frosty is Jewish. Who knew right. This invite was for a wedding. Now, who in the world would be getting married? “You are cordially invited to celebrate the wedding of Kristopher Santa Claus Kringle and The AngloFro!!!” You have to be kidding? This is a joke right. First of all you for you that have missed the last two years. Something is wrong with you and you need to catch up right now. (A Christmas Wish Part 1 2 3) The AngloFro is a your typical middle aged white woman with the Superpower to grow an Afro that would make Pam Greer jealous. Two years ago, she rescued Santa from the evil clutches of Shaggy and The Murph. Really, the only reason that they met was because of who was the mastermind behind both kidnappings. (Read Not Another Christmas Story Part 1 2 3) I made that happen kids. I guess they had been sneaking around and not telling anyone that they were seeing anyone. Those crazy youngsters.

The time came for the wedding and I wasn't able to make it. I had some obligations to take care of with my mother who is in the Nursing Home. How do you buy a wedding gift for a couple who employs 100s of women that can make anything at any given moment? Decisions. I decided to send them the one thing that no one really wants or uses, unless you are making some sort of mixed drink. I sent them a blender. It's all I could come up with in such short notice. Give me a break, at least it wasn't a toaster or a Wal Mart gift card. Shit! I should have sent a Wal Mart gift card. However, I digress, from the pictures I have seen them on Facebook, they were beautiful. I will give you a guess as to what the color scheme was? If you guessed anything other than Red and White, you are a dumb ass. Do not pass go and do not collect $200. The best part of it all was hearing the AngloFro's daughters, My two sisters Danielle and Bridget, get pissed when we were telling them that their new Daddy knows when you have been bad or good. Needless to say I have a few bruises on me from that joke and one I will never make in their presence again.

Since then, it has all been quiet and relatively boring. I live an exciting life boys and girls. Well, Christmas time has come again. I am thinking this year I am going to get to have a peaceful holiday time. No, trying to rescue anyone. Just sit back and watch all the Christmas Special, I can before my eyes bleed. I turn on the TV to find the channel to be on Nickelodeon. Don't judge me. I know I am 28, and have no kids but damn it, Spongebob is on. It was the Christmas special where you get to see his first Christmas. I was excited like a kid on Christmas morning. Could I have not picked a better to describe how I was feeling? Screw it! It's Christmas. The theme song started. I was getting all giddy. I even let out a squee. I just said squee in an really excited voice. This is not helping me in my man status at all but I have to tell the back story. The theme starts and right before the end of the song, there was a knock at the door. I get up knowing that my Popcorn would become cold and my Pepsi would become flat. I was a little sad but I don't want to be rude. I get to the door and there is a guy in a Brown Suit looking at me. “Are you Richard?”He asked. “Depends. Are you going to try and have sex with me cause shorts aren't really that flattering. In all honesty they make your hips look fat.” I have never seen a man become more self conscious about his body in my life. “Yes. I am.” I responded hoping to make there be less awkward in this situation. “I have a package for you.” He hands one of the biggest boxes, I have ever seen. The word Fragile is written on it. I am thinking I have seen this before. Have I won a major award for knowing that The Lone Rangers Cousin's Horse was named Victor? He gets the box in the living room and leaves. “I wonder what is inside the box.” I thought out loud. Saying I talked to myself would have made me sound a little crazy. Am I right?

There are more important matters to take care of. The fact that the Spongebob Christmas special was on television. I sit back down on the couch with my not warm popcorn and surprisingly still fizzy soda. Just as I was going to take a bit of popcorn, someone is at the door again. I guess I am popular today. The only thing I want to do is watch Spongebob. I get up, step over the giant box that is now sitting in the living room floor. Open the door, just to hear a bunch of people singing Christmas carols off key. They are also dressed like they are out of Dickens books. “I didn't know a community theater went out of business somewhere.” I said to the carolers. I am not drunk enough for this. Right before I slam the door in their face, a man dressed like Tiny Tim said “Merry Christmas and God Bless Everyone.” I decided in that moment that it wasn't good enough walked outside to my patio, and kicked his crutch out from under him. Don't gasp. He can walk just fine. It was more symbolic than anything.

I can now get back to Spongebob. I climb over the box and right before I sit down, there is another knock at the door. I swear if it is Dicken's caroling group this is going to be one of those Worst of times situations. I open the door. “Would you like a Watchtower?” I just slammed the door. I am getting frustrated in my old age I guess. I crawl back over the box when suddenly, there was a special news bulletin on the T.V. I was scratching my head cause I didn't know Nick showed news bulletins. The Bulletin was from the show and site TMZ. I was livid to say the least. There was Harvey Levin. A name and a face that should send a chill down any teen star's spine. He started to talk to us and what he had to say blew my mind at least.

“We have breaking news from the North Pole. A picture has been sent into TMZ showing that Santa Claus has had an affair on Mrs. Claus.”

“HOLY SHIT!” Was the only thing I was able to say at that moment. I was in shock to say the least. I couldn't believe it.

“Mrs. Claus's divorce is now final. In that divorce she has control of all the assets of Santa Claus, including the elves, the reindeer and The naughty or Nice list.”

The upside is a family member is in charge of this but the downside is a family member is in charge.

“A Press Conference is about to happen at The North Pole. We are about to go there live where the world will hear a statement from Mrs. Claus.”

Shit is about to get real.

“Mrs. Claus has taken the podium. Let's hear what she has to say.”

“A couple of days ago, I found out that my husband and one true love Kris had cheated on me with some floozie. I didn't believe it when I first heard it. Who would believe that their love is cheating on them. Then I received an email with a picture attached. The picture that was attached made the tears start flowing from my eyes. I couldn't believe it. I told it was over and I wanted a divorce. The biggest thing I have to say is that, I, Myself, have placed Kris Kringle on the NAUGHTY LIST. With that being said, I just want to ensure all the boys and girls, that Christmas will go along as planned like it does every year. We are in the process of looking for someone to take Santa's spot. Thank you and Merry Christmas.”

If I wasn't seeing this with my own two eyes, I wouldn't believe it at all. Harvey of TMZ came back on the screen.

“If you are under 18, we are about to show the picture that could kill Christmas forever. Please remember this is of an adult nature.”

The picture came onto the screen as I was taking a drink of my Pepsi, patiently waiting for my Spongerbob special to come back on. All of a sudden I look up to see Santa isn't wearing any pants, lying in the same bed next to CHRISTINE. Needless to say the picture of Santa and his head elf made me spit soda all over my popcorn. Nobody likes soggy popcorn......... Nobody. My cell phone started to ring. The eerie Joe Diffie music indicates that Danielle was on the other end. If you know Danielle, she hates drama and this my friend is a big heaping bowl of it. However, she had a tone that was a little different than we all expected. “Santa is just a typical guy.” Instead of hello that is the greeting I was met with. Sounds about right. We are bantering back and forth as to what we could do. I tell her to come over and bring everyone so we could work out a plan. How is a guy supposed to watch Spongebob around here with all of this.

I sit back down, and there is another knock at the door. If it is those damn carolers again or my family, I am going to channel my inner Sting. Not the singer that sings creepy songs, the wrestler and beat them down with a baseball bat like Sting did with the nWo. I just dated myself right there didn't I? I pick the baseball bat and I fling the door open acting like Reggie Jackson in the World Series. I drop the bat and my mouth drops. I now have that dick in mouth look. The person at the door was, Santa Claus.

“You have to help me. You're my only hope.”

I am Santa Claus's Obi-Wan Kenobi. That is all kinds of bad ass right there.

Santa goes on. “Richard, you know I would never cheat on my wife or do anything to hurt my elves. They are my family. Why would I sleep with one of them? You have to believe me.”

“Santa, before you get your stockings in a bunch, I can't see you doing anything like this.” I say to an unjolly big guy.“You saved me twice, granted, you caused my kidnapping twice. Speaking of which I owe you.” Santa says as he walks up to me and gives me a Holiday Fruitcake Bitch Slap. “I have to keep my present giving hand strong.” He Says. We both have a good chuckle and realize we need to get back to business.

“I have been framed, hoodwinked, and bamboozled. I was set up and the only person that is going to be able to figure that out is you.” He says to me with a concerned look on his face. “Where is Christine? Why can't she help you?” I replied.

“The day of the wedding to the AngloFro, Christine was really upset about the whole thing. She got up and left during the ceremony. She packed her stuff up and left the workshop. I have tried everything I could to find her but haven’t had any luck at all. No one has seen her.”

At that moment, Danielle, Jackson, Angel, Cody and Victoria walk into my living room. Have you ever seen a rooster when his feathers get ruffled up? Picture that in your head when Jackson and Victoria walked into the room. All they know is that Santa cheated on their Grandma, he is telling me something different. Who am I to believe?

“Please don't hurt me!” Santa exclaims with fear. Jackson and Victoria couldn't say anything but they were wanting to hurt the big guy. All of a sudden a voice can be heard from the back of the room. All of stop dead in our tracks. Jackson and Victoria's fist about to hit Santa's face, I am in the middle of it all, Danielle just stands there looking pretty but the voice came from Kody. “He is innocent. That was not the AngloFro in that press conference.” Kody can talk?” I questioned.

“You were mute the last two fucking years, we fought zombies, You get lost and this is the time you choose to talk? What in the hell, bro?” Jackson pretty much says what the entire room was thinking and that goes for Santa as well except for Angel. She had no clue what was going on, and it was probably better for her in the long run.

“Has anyone talked to AngloFro or Bridget?” Danielle says as she pulls out her cell phone and dials her mother but to her surprise there was no answer. She calls up her sister but instead of ringing the phone just went straight to voicemail. Danielle's face turned as white Kristen Stewart at the end of Breaking Dawn 2. “I am telling you something is wrong with all of this!!!” Kody says with his second line of the story

“The mute one is right. I know you guys think I am a terrible person but I loved your mother/grandmother since the day she untied me. I know there is something else going on here. That is why I am asking for your help. Richard, I need your help in finding out what is really going on up there at the North Pole. I have just enough magic left to send you to a secret spot where you will meet some of the elves and your team. You will need the sleigh with the Flux Capacitor. You will need to be able to jump from story to story. The weight of Christmas is on your shoulders. I have a guide that will help you through your journey.” Santa says to me

“So what you are telling me, is that I get to be a fatter version of James Bond. I am already digging this” I replied

Jackson, Kody, Angel, I feel really sorry for you getting thrown into a mess that you have no idea what is going on but I know you will do fine, and Victoria, I need the four of you to screw up that audition for the new Santa.”

The four of them just nodded their heads yes and poof they were gone.

The only thing I don't know how I am going to manage is to make people believe I am naughty until the tasks is done.”

“I can help you with that Santa. That is kind of my specialty.” Danielle says as I throw up Chinese food in my mouth and I haven't had Chinese food in 6 months.

I thought I was going to get to have a nice peaceful Christmas. I guess instead it's up my friends and myself again. I smell a Trilogy!!!

Stay Tuned For part 2 of The Naughty List, during The Buzz Kill Blog's 13 Days of Christmas