Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Naughty List: Part 2

If you miss the first part of The Naughty List, check it out by clicking here. And now ladies and gentleman, Part 2!

So Santa bolted out the door with my sister to learn the ropes of being naughty. I still think there is something completely wrong with that picture but what can one do. He left my house so fast that he forgot to take his hat. I tried to catch them but it was too late. I just walked to door the and whispered you forgot your hat. Hell, if any of you actually had the chance to wear Santa's hat wouldn't you take it. I put the hat on and feel a rush take over my body. If this is what it's like eating a York Peppermint Patty, I have been missing out over all these years. I know I have to get to the North Pole, but I have to wait for my guide to show up and if anyone knows me, I am impatient. I sit down to finally eat my popcorn. I don't know if any of you have ever tried to eat stale popcorn but the taste the butter leaves on the roof of your mouth is atrocious. I get to wash that down with a soda that is sponsored by the western part of Kansas, it was flat. I guess all I can do is sit and check the Book of Face while I wait.

Kody, Jackson, Angel and Victoria were all transported in a giant magical poof to a sound stage on the island of Misfit Christmas Wishes. They didn't know it just yet but the audition to become the new Santa was a reality show. This show was based off the hit NBC show America's Got Talent, there will be four judges and each judge will pick who is best. Then it is up to the residents of the island, the North Pole and other literary places that one deem imaginary but aren't really. The only way they were even going to have a shot to disrupt it, was audition and hope that they make the final four.

Danielle takes Santa back to her place. If you think this is going to go in some sort of 50 Shades of Gray storyline, you are only half right. Santa keeps trying to explain himself over and over. “I am innocent!!!” He just keeps saying. Danielle normally doesn't take people too seriously and realizes that we all make mistakes, believes him though. I think part of it has to do with the fact that you just can't help but love a fat man in a red and white suit. It's the law of nature. “Why did you bring me back here, Danielle?” Santa asked while looking puzzled. “The first step of making you become more naughty is that you are going to eat one of my illegal Brownies.” Danielle replies while grabbing a pan of Brownies. Santa looks flabbergasted. “I am not from Colorado or Washington. I ate a special Brownie one year. My life really hasn't been the same since. So I will not eat your Brownie if it was from a box or with while surfing Mozilla Firefox. I will not eat your brownie, look this would have flowed a lot nicer if pot rhymed with box.” Santa says while getting angry. The big guy went on a rant. “First of all, these brownies do not have any pot in them, they are just better than sex.” Santa can't do anything but trust her. He brings the brownie up to his lips and all of a sudden, The Hallelujah Chorus starts playing in his head. “I need to use the bathroom.” Santa says. Danielle just points in the direction and Santa heads that way hanging his head in shame.

I would rather wear pork chop panties in a lions den then deal with people.” That is the kind of thing, I read on Facebook while I was waiting for this so called guide to show up. It has been an hour now and all I am reading is statuses about the end of the world and undergarments made with a delicious meat. My life has hit an all time new low in waiting. All of a sudden, my cell phone goes off. It's a text message from my sister. “The Process has started. Santa has eaten one of my Brownies. He did the same thing everyone else does for the first time. He jizzed his pants. LOL =D” Well, that is a text message that I have a feeling I will never in my life get again. All of a sudden in the middle of me listening to some Michael Buble Christmas Music, there is a knock at my door. Finally. The guide is here so now we can finally save Christmas. I go open the door and no one is there. I look to the left. I look to the right. My biggest fear is that there was going to be a flaming bag of reindeer Poo somewhere. I hear the knocking again. I am looking around confused as ever. Where in the hell is the knocking coming from? “Knock. Knock. Knock.” This is just getting ridiculous. I am standing in my living room floor with the package I have not opened and I keep hearing knocking. (Look, after reading that I know you are thinking, hey stupid the knocking is coming from the box. Who is telling the story here? Now that is taken care of, where were we?) Knock! KNOCK! I am thinking this is just a Fozzy Bear joke gone completely wrong. I yell out “Who's There?” A voice coming from the box says “I am in the box!!! Let me out!!” I being the complete dumb ass that I am. “I am in the box!!! Let me out!!! Who?” The next thing said will haunt my life till I am at least 45. “You fucking moron, I am in the box, if you do not let me out, I am going to tie you down,” I hear this voice from the box yelling at me but I have to admit I like where this is going. “Rip off your testicles and tea bag you till you're forty.” I don't like it anymore. Needless to say, I found a box cutter. I don't know about any of you but don't you want to know if the box cutter is still sharp. Well, I tried that and cut the piss out of myself. Right, I cut the tape and rip back the flaps of the box and all of a sudden this woman comes angrily up out of the packing peanuts. It kind of looked like a Vampire waking up in his coffin, only this was way more scary. She is not even five feet tall but I can say, Santa might have the most sexy staff working for him period. She grabs her walking stick, and hits me in both my shins. “Who the fuck doesn't open up a package when they get it? What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know by your stupidity, I could have saved you from having to go through half of part 1 if you would have just opened the box.” She yells at me. I am in agonizing pain. Sweet Shin Music will hurt anyone. “I take it you are the guide?” I asked. “What gave you that idea, Columbo? Yes, I am your guide. My name is Laura but I go by Thumbelina.” Why do they call you that?” I asked but before I could get anything else out. “You don't get to ask the questions around here. You weren't locked in a box, were you?” All I could do is look down at the ground and shake my head no. This woman puts me in my place and quick. “ We are going to be going to the North Pole where we will be able to get what need to underground. This is not going to be like the last two years. This will not be easy and there is a possibility that people will die. Are you willing to risk all of that to save the holiday that matters most to everyone?” If only the national anthem would have been playing behind her as she said that. I think a tear would have come to my eye. “ I am not doing anything else today so why not?” I was trying to look all bad ass, it was worth a shot. “To put your mind at ease a little we have an inside man as a judge in the competition to pick a new Santa. You need to text that to the others. Now, we need to be on our way.” I hate this part, here comes a giant flash of light and poof. I am heading back to the North Pole again.

Victoria gets a text from me while they are trying to figure out what they are going to do for their audition. “A judge is on our side. I think you will know who it is when they announce the all four of them.” A voice comes booming down off a P.A. System. “Will the judges please take your positions? The Easter Bunny in chair one. Stick Figure Dan in chair number two. Suzy Snowflake in chair number three. Alan Thicke in chair number four. If you guessed anyone other than Alan Thicke as the inside man, you win a version of our home game. Kody and Jackson are trying to figure out what their audition should be. They are surrounded by people and characters from all walks of like and stories. They know they are going to have to do something over the top that no one else is going to do. “We could just go out there and get naked.” Jackson says just cause he wants to be naked all the time. The girls shoot him a look that could have melted the polar ice caps. The girls want to do a dance and singing number. Jackson is very opposed. Kody on the other hand, is all about this. “ I have an idea. I have brought sheet music and a know the dance moves to a song. There are four parts. Guys, we could rock this. I know we could. Hell, we could win this.” Kody hands them the sheet music. Jackson has this puzzled look on his face, “First you don't talk for two stories, then you grow a pair, and now you tell me your a fan of musical theater. Seriously, bro?” Kody looks at Jackson, “Do you have any other ideas besides being naked?” Jackson shakes his head no. Angel is still confused as to what is going on but she is just going to go along with it. “Angel and Victoria are here to look cute, you are the muscle and I am the voice. No Pun intended.”

Santa comes back from the bathroom all cleaned up. “I don't know what you have in those Brownies but I sure as hell know that it isn't from heaven.” Danielle knows the evil goodness those brownies possess. “The next thing I want you to do to prove that you are naughty is I want you to sit down and watch the movies, The Full Monty and Secretary.” Santa is confused like a reindeer with antlers. “ Brownies and movies? How does this help make me naughty?” Santa asks as he goes plops a sit on the couch. “ Being Naughty is just not something you can do from one minute to the next, it is a skill crafted over many years and we are going to have to cram those many years into one weekend. You will need to watch these two movies and take notes, because the next part of your training is going to possibly break you.” Santa looks scared but knows he has to stomach through this.

And now here is the host of Santa's Got Talent, A guy we feel to be a little bit better than Nick Canon, ok, we take that back, we find him to be a lot better than Carson Daly, Neil Patrick Harris.” The four them back stage mouths just hit the floor. It's NPH. I mean who doesn't love them some NPH. They are getting ready to bring out the first contestant. Victoria notices that a lot of the contestants are Santa's elves. The first contestant is Brianna. She worked for the big guy starting last year. He has never hired guys. “Why are you auditioning?” Victoria asked all puzzled. “ I wish I could tell you but I can't. SHE is watching.” Brianna looks afraid. It seems that she is in great danger but Victoria cannot put her finger on it as to why. A call goes out for Brianna to take the stage. Victoria comes running back to the others. “Guys, something is up with all of this. It just seems off.” Victoria shows Jackson and Kody that the elves and some of the team to help save Christmas was there. “Something just doesn't add up.” Jackson says. NPH takes the stage, “Now from the North Pole, here is Brianna showing why she should be picked as the next Santa.” The four of them look at each other wondering what is going to happen. They turn to the monitors to watch and what they seen horrified them. Brianna comes out there and paints snowflakes on her fingernails. The girls were hoping that when she came backstage, she could paint their nails like that. They thought it was very cute. All of a sudden, The Easter Bunny hits the X. Suzy hits her X. Dan hits his X. The only person not to hit their X was Alan Thicke. “And now we will get the judges' opinions. First we still start off with Frosty, “They are cute but in that 14 year old, I am just in high school way. She would not approve.” The always colorful Dan is next. “Michael J. Fox, could have done a better job in an earthquake.” Suzy throws her two cents in. “Cute but She hated it.” and Alan Thicke brings up the end. “I didn't think it was bad. I enjoyed it.” “ Don't worry about him, Canadians are much different than us. It was three to one. “You must now visit, SHE.” Bri with tears rolling down her cheeks heads up a flight of stairs. No one actually sees what happened in that room she entered but all you could hear was a scream and then dead silence.

I really must admit, I hate that poofing thing.” I say to Thumbelina. “We have arrived at the North Pole. I am just warning you. It is not the same as you remember it from last year. Actually nothing is the same.” I turn around to look at the building that was known as Santa's home. The workshop, the place where all my friends gathered the last two years to save Christmas. My home away from home, that if you don't count all the other places that I live. My face turned as white as the snow. I couldn't believe my eyes as to what was happening. The place wasn't red and green anymore. It was a very troubling shade of gray. The fence that used to be made of snow has been replaced with concrete and barb wire. The tower that navigates Santa's journey on Christmas eve had a sign over it. A Silhouette of a body and it says “SHE is Watching.”I felt like I may have bitten off more than I can chew this year. “We need to head into the tunnels. I have some people that you are going to be very happy to see.” Thumbelina says to me. We climb down a ladder as if we are going to be heading into the sewer of the North Pole. Look, I know women don't poop. It is just logic that just does not happen. But I have a very bad feeling what it is going to smell like when we got down there. We head down and I am trying to hold my breath. I am fat so that just doesn't work that long. I breathed in but the aroma I smelt was not one I was expecting. “Thumbelina, this is just a question out of the blue, but why does it smell like freshly baked cookies down here?” Thumbelina does that little giggle thing that all girls do when they know an answer that you don't. “If you must know, that is what Santa Claus's waste smells like.” I am a little disgusted and hungry at the same time. We keep heading down the tunnel. Finally, we reach a door. “Behind that door, is your team for this year and the sleigh you will need to complete your journey. I will be going with you. I just said that for dramatic effect. Did it work?” “My heart is pounding almost through my chest.” I replied back to her. I open the door to only find three people but this guy has no complaints. It's my old buddy Justin. He helped me the last two years. It's good to have him back. My friend Chance. We used to cause mischief together back in the old days and my friend Erin. That guy always had my back when it came to anything. I feel like we are the much lazier version of The A Team. I am wondering where everyone else is. “Man, I have some bad news.” Justin says to me. “Everyone else was here. We were going to be able to do this in maybe two tries but a few buffed up guys came in with guns. They took everyone but us and I don't know why.” Out of nowhere Thumbelina piped up from the back. “I know why.” “Please enlighten us mystical genie from the cardboard box.” Erin says and then looks at me, “ I keep up with your Facebook.” Thumbelina hits me in the shin again. “SHE kidnapped your team and is making them audition to become Santa. Three of the four judges know who to get rid of. Once they get told no, they have to go upstairs and confront SHE. After that, I have no clue what happens to them but you can only think the worst.”

Santa finishes watching his two movies. The only difference now is that he feels a little weird. I mean, who wouldn't after watching The Full Monty and Secretary back to back. Suddenly, Santa hears a loud muffler. Danielle has fallen asleep in the chair. He is curious and goes to investigate it. Just as he walks into the kitchen the door comes flying open and there stands one of the two men that has kidnapped him the last two years. The Murph. “Hell No. Not this year. Get the fuck away from me. I will not be kidnapped.” “I am not here to kidnap you.....” Santa goes in charging at The Murph causing one of the most interesting fights this side of The Mississippi. Fists are flying, Flour is flying, Cats are flying. It is one knock down drag out fight. This brawl in the kitchen wakes Danielle up from her Brownie coma. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn over a messy kitchen. “Stop IT!!!! Before I have to whip both your asses.” They both froze solid standing in a puddle of their own urine. “Santa, The Murph is not here to do anything to you but get you drunk. I called him in for some help.” The Murph puffs out his chest and says his motto, “Anything is possible with a Bud Light in my hand and that includes turning the nicest guy in the world to a loud mouth naughty redneck.” Santa, Danielle and The Murph sit down to have what I have deemed the weirdest drinking party ever. They are chasing Tequila with Bud Light. It's about to get silly up in here bitches. They turn on the TV just to have some noise in the background.

Ashley and Eric, none of our judges thought quoting Mallrats and Monty Python made you worthy of being Santa this year. You must now face, SHE.” Ashley and Eric head up the stairs wondering and afraid of what was about to happen. You could hear two screams and then silence.

One round of booze in everyone and no one is feeling a thing. “I just wanted to let you know I am sorry for kidnapping you the last two years. No hard feelings.” The Murph says to Santa with a little twinkle in his eye. “Fuck You!” Santa replies. That wasn't very nice was it.

“Nick, your guitar was playing very well tonight but “SHE” didn't approve of the song. I am sorry the judges and “SHE” said No. That is what you get for playing Carly Rae Jepsen.” Nick starts to take the walk up the stairs. He looks at the camera and mouths “Someone Help Us.” He enters the room and you hear a scream and dead silence.

The second round of booze complete. Now the three of them are just starting to quote the movie Super Troopers. I didn't know Santa was into stoner movies. Maybe there was something more in that special Brownie that he was given.

Jill, The judges think you are hot and the fact your talent was just coming out here and standing wearing a Santa's little helper costume, well that automatically put you in the finals “SHE” is pleased.” “Is she a straight transsexual?” asks Kody jokingly. Backstage the tension is mounting on the four of them. They know this is going to have to be something special to be placed in the finals.

After the third round, Santa is starting to tell very graphic details about his life. “Want to know why I have no guys working for me?” Santa says drunk as a skunk. “Cause I would constantly be having threesomes.” The Murph and Danielle just look at each other with this disgusted look cause they just found out Santa is a little bi-curious.

Carolyn, you can make a smoothie like no ones business and might have been put in The Buzz Kill Blogs Hall of Hotties, but you are no Santa. “SHE” is waiting for you.” Carolyn walks up the stairs and you could see the fear in her eyes. She had no idea if she was going to ever get to see her fiance again. You hear a scream and then silence.

Round four is in the books, Santa is getting all weird. He has found an old cardboard box and put it on his head pretending to be a Jedi. He is using his boot as a light saber. Danielle and The Murph don't feel a thing. They are trained drinking professionals and should not be tried by anyone at home.

Tonya, The judges loved your reading of the scene from the soap opera One Life To Live. We think you have the acting ability to make it as the next Santa. You are moving on to the finals.” It was just about time for the four of them to get up and perform. They had two acts in front of them. This was a do or die situation and they knew that.

Round 5 and Santa has become a little whiny bitch. A grown man is crying over the fact his Daddy didn't ever play catch with him or ever let him watch anything starring Tim Allen. Danielle knew she was getting close to her plan. To get Santa drunk enough to admit the truth. Alcohol is a great truth serum.

Amee, I am not sure how you eat beef jerky and ribs showed how you could be the next Santa. You have not been chosen. Before you see “SHE” please use a breath mint.” Amee climbed the stairs not knowing what was behind that door. Another scream and dead silence.

Round 6. Danielle felt the time was right. “Santa what actually happened?” Santa looked up wiping snot away from his nose. “Remember that Special Brownie! I was telling you about?” Danielle replies, “yes.” “It has to do with that.”

Julie, no one reads poetry unless in Def Poetry Jam or trying to get a girl to date you kindergarten. I am sorry but you are not Santa. “SHE” is waiting.” Julie climbs the stairs. She wishes this was just a story on some website. The time had come for Jackson, Kody, Angel and Victoria to audition to be the next Santa. The pit in their stomach got bigger and bigger. The nerves started taking over each one of them individually. Suzy Snowflake ask them for their names. One by one each of them say their name as if they were reading a last will and testament. The lights dim. Kody moves to the front of the stage and starts to sing.
Dearly beloved We gather here to say our goodbyes (Dies irae, dies illa) Here she lies (Kyrie eleison) (Yitgadal v'yitkadash) No one knew her worth The late great daughter of Mother Earth On these nights when we celebrate the birth
In that little town of Bethlehem We raise our glass, you bet your ass to La vie Boheme.

The four of them were singing the song La Vie Boheme from the musical Rent. The crowd is stunned, the judges are stunned, the world is stunned. It was like a skinny Susan Boyle and her Pips. The performance ends and everyone is on their feet. Who knew that quiet kid was a fan of Rent. NPH, goes down the lines asking each judge what they thought. They picked the right song, it appealed to the gay in the Easter Bunny. It appealed to the sexual side of Dan. It appealed to Suzie cause it's a musical and it appealed to Alan Thicke, because he is Alan Thicke. “That was the best performance of the night. “SHE” is pleased and the four of you have made the finals.

“I got a package in the mail one day. It was a batch of brownies. I decided to eat one and my mind became really fuzzy. I hit the ground. I didn't know what had come over me. The next time I wake up, I am lying in the snow with really big guys holding guns over me. They were telling me, SHE doesn't want you here anymore. You were only a jerk to She. Leave now before SHE kills you.” Danielle in that very second seconds grabs her phone and begins texting someone.

The five of us are in this room in the sewer trying to plan out our move of attack. All of a sudden my phone goes off. “I guess there are more bars in more places.” Chance says with a thumbs up and we all have a good giggle. The text message read. “Really big guys made Santa leave at gunpoint. It's not the AngloFro. She had to be kidnapped, but who is behind it.” We decided that there was only one place to go in this sleigh and that was to the audition. I feel like we are going to end up in a war. “The time has come. We must head to the audition.” Thumbelina says to us. The five us pile into the sleigh. I am getting ready to hit the button. Erin screams out, “To Infinity and Beyond.” I hit the button and poof.

The four of them pile off stage and the celebration begins. All four of them are jumping up and down like they had won a beauty pageant. “I can't believe that worked. I am sorry I doubted you Kody.” Jackson says after he almost crushes his friend with the worlds biggest bro hug. Victoria is all smiles. Angel on the other hand is very worried about the people who don't make the finals. She notices Julie still standing on staircase crying. She walks up the stairs to her. She puts her arms around her, gives her a hug and asks “Do you want me to go with you?” Julie nods her head. Julie opens the door and a voice says, “Goodbye Julie.” A trap door opens and sends her falling down into a dungeon. The trap door closes. Angel is standing there in shock. The voice of SHE asks “Who are You?” Angel scared, knows she must respond. “My name is Angel.” SHE is wondering, “Why is a finalist up here?” “The girl that you just dropped was crying. I wanted to let her know it was all going to be ok. I guess my question to you is, Who are you?” Angel asked.

Stay Tuned For Part 3 of The Naughty List on Christmas Day