Tuesday, December 25, 2012

The Naughty List: Part 3

If you missed part one: Get caught up by clicking HERE

If you missed part one I am guessing that you missed out on part two, check it out by clicking HERE.

And now ladies and gentleman, the conclusion of The Naughty List.

“I am never going to get to give the good boys and girls of the world again presents because of this.” Santa says with tears running down his eyes. It is what he lived for. It was his passion. It made him the happiest guy in the world and it was all taken away from him. He got up. Danielle and The Murph looked on in disbelief. Santa staggered towards the kitchen drunk off his ass. Nothing says being sad more like drinking booze when a life altering event has happened. They get up to follow him but when they arrived in the kitchen they were met with a sight that may not be able to be erased from their brains ever again. Santa had taken off his pants and was chowing down on uncooked cookie dough. “Cookie dough is all I have left from the happy life that I had made myself. I had it all. I was just like every normal guy, if they had reindeer and a sleigh and sexy elves and all the sweets a man could eat. The day I got married and my head elf left, it has not been the same since.” Danielle is furious. She cannot take the weeping anymore. “Damn it. Stop trying to kill yourself with Nestle Toll House Cookie Dough and Put your damn pants on. This is no time to be sitting around here like a woman in her mid 40s with 28 cats.” The Murph had to throw in his two cents. “You don't want to be like Danielle.” Danielle whips her head around like the little girl in The Exorcist. “You can kiss my ass!” She says in a deep anger that not many people have ever heard before. “I don't have all day!” The Murph replies in a smart ass way. While they are bantering back and fourth Santa is still munching on his cookie dough. Danielle walks over to Santa and slaps the roll of cookie dough out of his hand. “You can't be naughty and eat cookie dough.” Santa looks up at Danielle with a sad face. They help the big guy up to his feet, put his pants back on if it's not awkward enough and head back to the living room to see who was going to be chosen as the fourth and final finalist in the Santa competition.

NPH comes out on stage and tells everyone that the next contestant is from Halloweentown. “The next person wanting to be Santa is the creepiest guy in the contest. Here is Jack Skellington.” Jack takes the stage to perform the song What's This. Maybe it was ironic or coincidental or really good comedic timing. Jack starts singing the song, “What's This, There is magic in the air. What's This ThebkjBFKglkzdbklgbjdlkzbgfzlbkglzkbnlzgnbl;hjF:SJglknbxlghS:Lfnv,ldbn;sfnlvblkhSfnvlkdhbfzx;vn.”

“Do you feel like we hit something?” Chance says. All of our eyes are closed. We are scared this thing took us to something stupid again. There is no way we actually ended up in the right place on the first try. “Hey, dumb asses! Open your eyes. We are here.” Thumbelina says to us. “Oh by the way, I am not sure any of you want to know or not. We landed on Jack The Pumpkin King.” Justin, Erin, and myself look at each other in horror. We just start busting out laughing. “Running gags are the best!” Erin says looking at the judges with a nice well placed creepy thumbs up. The judges were impressed. Alan Thicke says it was the best thing he has seen live, since he was part of Circus of the Stars 12. “I have been wanting to that for years. Than fucker has tried to date rape me time and time again.” Suzy Snowflake tells the five of us. To say the least that felt a little awkward for all of us but they put Erin into the finals.

Jackson, Kody and Victoria are looking all around for Angel. They couldn't seem to find her at all. They were asking anyone they could find. Stage hands, prop guys, you name it. Jackson was freaking out. He didn't know if he was going to see his girlfriend again or not. The three of them had looked everywhere but one spot. The stairs that lead to the office of SHE. A sinking feeling hit their stomach. “I hope she is not there.” Victoria said. Jackson is about to head up the stairs like a bull in a china closet. All of a sudden the door comes open and Angel starts walking down the stairs. Her face is a pale white. She takes a deep breath and looks back at the door. She just stops in her tracks and sits down. She begins to cry. Jackson, Kody, and Victoria go to see if she is alright. “Is everything OK babe?” Jackson asks Angel. Angel with a small tremor of fear in her voice begins to tell the story of what happened. “I walked up there with the girl that went before us. SHE told her how horrible her performance was and pulled a lever releasing a trap door. There is a dungeon below that office. You could hear screams of people yelling for help. I heard Bridget, I heard the AngloFro, I heard many voices. SHE didn't tell me who SHE was. The only clue that was given to me was that SHE was an acronym for something. SHE also said there is only one person that SHE wants...”

Erin is celebrating his moral victory of not only killing The Pumpkin King but also making the finals in this contest. We all have a good laugh when all of a sudden we see everyone we knew huddled around Angel. We could hear this yell half way across the backstage area. “Is Richard!” The one thing that can strike fear in your heart is walking into a conversation and then hearing your name. Angel then proceeds to tell all of us the story with SHE.

“Maybe there is a way to rescue everyone trapped in the dungeon, win the contest and beat SHE at their own game.” Justin exclaims. All of us trusted an ex military man. “What do we do?” Chance asks. “I don't know?” Justin responds really quickly. In that instant I had 16 eyes on me. “Well?” Everyone said at the same time. If this wasn't happening in real time, I would think that was some magically rehearsed part in a Christmas story on some website somewhere. I thought about it for a minute. “I got nothing.” Thumbelina gets pissed and puts her hand on her hip. I don't know about you but someone being under 5 feet tall getting pissed is the funniest thing in the world. It's like watching a dude get hit in the nuts, it's too good to pass up not laughing. “I have to do everything around here. Jackson, Kody, Victoria, and Angel, you four are going to have to do the final performance like nothing happened. No one can know we are here. Angel, this especially goes for you. You need to forget everything. We will get everyone out of that dungeon. Erin, since you made the finals you are going to have to the same thing. The only thing I ask of you is that you stall for as much time as possible. Chance and Justin, your mission is going to be the toughest. Get the people out of the dungeon to safety. I have a feeling that the two of you can do it. Richard and I will go after SHE, and Jack Skellington will be rotting with the corpse bride. You guys aren't the only ones able to get in a cheesy joke in this story.” We all disperse to go do our missions.

Danielle gets a text message. “We found out that SHE is an Acronym for something but don't know what. Thought Santa might know. Any help will do.” Danielle asks Santa the question. Santa looks at her takes a shot and reclines back on the couch only to pass out. The Murph walks over to him and slaps him right across the face. No response. The Murph throws cheap beer on him. No response. He whips out his dick and right before cock slaps Santa, Danielle stops him dead in his tracks. “I have a feeling that he is thinking about.” Another text goes off from Danielle's cell phone. “We also found the AngloFro and Bridget. They are locked in a dungeon.”

Chance and Justin are trying to find different ways into the dungeon without having to look a horse straight in the mouth. They are checking around the entire place for doors that may just seem out of place. All of a sudden Justin out the corner of his eye notices a door on the stage floor. “We have to be able to do it by not being caught by SHE.” Chance says to Justin. “Maybe right before the first finalist is performing we kill the lights and get to the door as fast as possible. When the lights come back on we should be shutting the door. I think there was a flashlight in the sleigh.” Justin responds. Sure enough when the two of them went to check the sleigh there were two flashlights looking at them. The next part was making sure they kill the light without being seen. Justin comes up with this fail proof plan. Chance walks over to the lights trying not to cause attention to himself. The first performer in the finals has taken the stage. It was Jill. This was going to be the perfect time if they were going to pull it off. The lights go out, Chance takes off running for the stage. A commotion could be heard from all the stage hands. When the lights came back on, a naked Justin stood where Jill stood. He starts singing Jingle Bells and opens the door. In a flash they were both gone in an instant.

I am waiting for a text message back from Danielle as to what SHE could mean. It was going to be the only way we were going to be safe if we confronted SHE. Thumbelina went from being super motivated to worried. “I know this is going to sound weird but I have known you for a long time!” She says to me. I am puzzled. “Stalk much?” I was there the last two years and you had no idea.” “What do you mean?” I asked...

Justin and Chance are heading down this long hallway. “I don't know if it's bad timing or not, but since the dungeon in under a staircase does that mean everyone down here is like Harry Potter?” Justin asks Chance. They both have a slight giggle at their reference. The two of them were having a good laugh when all of a sudden they come up to a door. This door is metal and it seems to be locked so tight no one can get in or out. Justin tries the push pull method to no luck at all. Justin keeps trying and keeps trying. “Justin?” But Justin doesn't listen to Chance and keeps trying to open the door. “Justin!” No response as Justin keeps trying to be like the Hulk and pull that door off of its hinges. “JUSTIN” Chance screams at the top of his lungs. “WHAT?!?!” Justin yells back. “I have the key.” Chance says with a calm rational voice. “That would make things a lot easier.” Justin says. Chance opens the door to find one of the most horrific sights in his life. People are hurt. Broken legs, Broken Ribs. The drop has even caused a few of them to parish. It was hard to see but they knew they had to get the people who were still alive out. “I have always wanted to say this. Get into the sleigh if you want to live.” Elves and friends came hobbling out of that dungeon in a line heading to the sleigh. Chance and Justin couldn't believe the strength that some of these people had.

“I know you have been down for the last couple of years. I know depression has hit you very hard. Not able to be with your Mom. Your health deteriorating right in front of you. Losing friends left and right. I know there has been days you didn't want to be here at all. There are days that you wanted to end it all. I was sent to not let that happen. Richard, I am not a guide, I am an angel that here is to protect you. In the last few years I have got to know really well. I have seen the person you are truly. I have to admit it, I have started to develop feelings for you. Your heart might be breaking on the inside, but I want to mend it by giving you my love. Santa owed me a favor. That is why am I here.” Thumbelina says to me. I had no clue how to respond. This was the first time in a long while that someone actually took the time to show me that it was fine to be me. At this moment, my phone makes the notification noise. “Thumbelina it is time.” We get up and start walking up the stairs.

Justin and Chance were met in the hallway by some really big guys. Justin tries punching them and nothing. Chance slaps one and then runs around in a circle like a maniac. From the back of the line, a short woman with really big hair comes charging to the front of the line. It was the Anglofro and she is out for the revenge. She goes old school WWF on these two clowns. Body slam after body slam, she literally turned them into holiday pretzels. “Give me your damn phone so I can talk to Santa.” Chance hands her his phone afraid for his life.

Danielle's phone begins to ring. She doesn't recognize the number. Normally she doesn't answer calls from numbers she doesn't know but in this instance and we need to advance the story. She answers the call only to hear her mom on the other end. “I am fine. Put Santa on the phone.” Danielle tries to wake up a passed out Santa but still has no luck. The Murph has the bright idea to put cookie dough under his nose. Santa arose with such a clatter. Danielle hands him the phone. They were both excited to hear each others voice. “I know you wouldn't do that to me” he says. The AngloFro says “I wouldn't but I know who did. Think about really hard. What would SHE stand for?” Santa pondered for a second and a light bulb went off in his head. “I have to tell Richard.” They say their I love yous.

We get to the door, I take a deep breath. Thumbelina gives me a hug. “Are you ready?” She says to me. “As ready as one can be!”

Kody, Jackson, Victoria and Angel take the stage for their finals performance.

The prisoners are a piling into the sled one by one.

Thumbelina and I open the door. 'Where are you?” I said. The room just echoed. There didn't seem to be a soul in there at all.

Justin and Chance only had the AngloFro and Bridget left to get in the sleigh. “Who is up there with SHE?” The AngloFro asked. “Richard is.” “OH MY GOD” The AngloFro got in the sleigh with a look of concern on her face.

“No One!” Thumbelina said. I walked over to a wall to look around some more and was grabbed into a door that no one could see. Thumbelina caught this out of the corner of her eye. She was able to get into the room without SHE knowing.

“I am finishing this once and for all. I am done with you. I am done with everything you stand for and most importantly, I am going to take over the holiday you most love and there is nothing you can do.” Click, SHE was not the normal bad person, SHE had a gun pointed at the back of my head. “Just give up and take yourself out so I don't have to. I will just tell people that you finally couldn't take it anymore. No one is going to care. Not your family, Not your friends, and Not your precious little guardian angel. I told Santa that was a mistake but did he listen to me? Fucking no he didn't. What respect was I getting over the last two years? Not a damn thing.” SHE exclaims in anger. In the midst of this moment, my phone goes off. It is a text message from Danielle. “You might want to get that.” I reach into my pocket and pull out my cell phone. “I know what SHE Stands for and you are not going to like it. It stands for.....

Kody, Jackson, Angel and Victoria tore down the house with their second performance. They are taking their bows. Erin walks out on the stage and starts doing his, I am Canadian Stand Up. Everything he touches is made in Canada. It's so stupid that it's funny. He knows he has to buy Justin and Chance some time to get in the sleigh.

Justin and Chance are with the sleigh, they are about to push the button and return everyone home.

SANTA'S HEAD ELF” A gunshot rang out through the entire studio and then a second one. Everyone stopped dead in their tracks.

Everyone was back in their homes like nothing has ever happened. Danielle, Jackson, Victoria, Kody and Angel are sitting around Danielle's watching TV. The AngloFro is back at the North Pole while Bridget is in college furthering her education. Justin and Chance were home with their wives celebrating Christmas. The Murph was drinking a beer in a rundown bar somewhere. Santa was back doing what he loves.

I am guessing you are asking what happened to me? Well, that ending was a small miracle. When I read the text message figuring out that Santa's former Head Elf was behind it all. She pulled the trigger on the gun that she had pointed me. At the same time she pulled the trigger Justin and Chance hit the button on the sleigh. A giant white light and poof. I went with them, just with a gunshot wound in my leg. The only thing that saved me, remember that Santa left his hat at my house and I put it on? Santa's hat still had some magic in it. As for the second gunshot, Thumbelina, knew where this was going the entire time. Her walking stick was also a loaded weapon. She shot Christine. I remember peeing a little when this all happened.

Right now I am spending Christmas with that guardian angel and I couldn't be happier with life. I finally found love in one of these stories. I might have a flesh wound that my nurse Amber has prescribed me some amazing pain killers. I can honestly say I have a new outlook on life and Christmas. Spend each day and each Christmas like it is your last one. Make both special.

Merry Christmas From All Of Us At The Buzz Kill Blog