Tuesday, December 18, 2012

What If?

I have finally arrived for the 13 Days of Christmas and I just want you to know right now, I am pissed off. There is no one that is not going to feel my wrath today. If you do not know who I am let me introduce myself, My name is Stick Figure ( I head some carolers singing Let It Snow. I decided to take 20 bucks and go buy a ho. I told her if she did me, I was her ticket to fame. She decked my halls and sucked my candy cane.) Dan. Have any of you read a previous What If on this site? If you have I am guessing that you forced to as a way of torture to get you to talk. Did anyone really care if the turkey would have been our National bird? I would still be eating the fuck out of it on the holiday. Did anyone read the last What If? If you said yes, please commit yourself into a mental ward this very second. They are the only people who can help you. Shock therapy will work. It was about Godzilla Vs The Hulk. In terms that all of you can understand, Big Monster Vs Big Monster or the day Anna Nicole Died. If there is one Godzilla fan that isn't Asian or doesn't get their rocks off to Hentai, I will be surprised. So, to save this dredge of shit known as What If, someone called in the Calvary and for you dumb asses out there that would be me. Since it's Christmas!!! Yay. Another year where we get to talk about a fat fuck in a red suit. I decided to come up with a few Christmas themed What If's especially for the magical time of the year.

What If George Bailey would have jumped off the bridge in It's A Wonderful Life?

I know one thing that would be certain, the movie would be three and a half hours less running time on NBC. I swear to god, it seems that movie gets longer and longer each year. Thanks a lot for showing your stupid commercials about some drug that will make my penis magically know the words to every song from White Christmas but has 72000 side effects except make it bigger. I swear how George Bailey's life sucked is beyond me. He got to come home to a smoking hot wife every night. Hell, there are some people who just come home to their left hand a box lo mein  noodles. Quit the bitching. If you would have jumped someone else could have taken over your life and been much happier. I don't think it should have taken a drunk angel to show you that. People lose their shit every day, just ask Lindsay Lohan about that. Damn, I am thinking now we wish there would be an alternate ending where you just jumped. Put up "The End" and move on to the next god awful Christmas Special.

What If Rudolph's Red Nose was caused by the common cold?

What happens boys and girls when you get the cold? You become all congested and your fucking nose turns 50 Shades of Red. Sound familiar? A certain reindeer who has always just went from year to year on the fact his nose can guide Santa for the big run on Christmas Eve but has it ever occurred to any of you that he is just full of shit? How the hell did his nose start to glow? I don't remember anywhere in that stupid little number where Rudolph's family lived close to a nuclear reactor. He lives in one of the coldest parts of the world. It is not rocket science people. It makes sense unless he is some animatronic robot created by The Disney Corporation just so they can make more money.

What If The Magic That made Frosty Live Was In His Two Eyes Made Of Coal?

We as a country, we as the world, would cease to exist. I am not talking about the world ending on December 21st, cause it's not. However, if you think it is. Please send all your valuables and money for safe keeping to The Buzz Kill Blog. There is a reason for this. When we were younger were we not taught if we were bad that The Fat Fuck Diabetic In A Red Suit would bring us coal? So if these hoodlums made Frosty the Snowman have two eyes made of coal, wouldn't that make the kids who made Frosty part of Santa's naughty list? Think about it people. Anarchists controlling snowmen to destroy our very existence. The saving grace would be the fact that once the snowman started smoking out the pipe, his face would fucking melt.

I will be back again with an all new Open Letter and my letter to The Mythical Cookie Monster. Stay tuned for more stuff during The 13 Days of Christmas