Thursday, January 17, 2013

All I Needed To Know I Learned From Video Games

As a child I played a lot of video games, they taught me a whole hell of a lot. Hell, let’s face it video games was about the only education I got, seeing how I was a loner and a combination of emo and Gothic. Here is a new word for you all, emothic. OK, OK, now I am getting off topic. Anywho, back to my video game education and the things I learned as a child.

One of the first things I learned is if you eat enough little white dots, that conspicuously looks a lot like ecstasy, you no longer have to be afraid of ghost because you can eat them and spit the ghost out as a magical spit wad that finds its way home only to be replaced by another ghost meaning you have to eat more ecstasy type dots. This experience was only further enhanced by shitty 8-bit techno, dance music.

Something else I learned as a child is it is okay to bash bricks with your head, eventually you will find a hidden treasure or a weed that will take you to some place high in the clouds. Another awesome side effect from brick bashing with your head is seeing all the neat question marks stuck in walls and bricks. OH , and the coolest thing would happen if you hit them, mushrooms would come out of them that you could eat….. They would make you grow up. Eating stars are cool too, they make you invincible. Green mushrooms give you more life if you eat them.

Jumping, kicking, throwing, and smashing turtles and other animals is socially acceptable as long as it is in good fun and serves the purpose of furthering your quest to rescue the princess. Ether is really used to restore your health points and magic power. Alchemy is the only way to level up your weapons so that they become more powerful without actually increasing your own physical and mental capabilities, they weapon enhances it these attributes by using its own magic.

Small emo, scene style people can carry extremely, insanely fucking huge swords with little or no effort, while kicking a random creature’s ass that magically appeared out of thin air. I mean that is really useful when I got into a fight on the playground, I knew I had to use haste, then quickly make my attack and then wait for my next turn.  I knew I had definitely won a fight when I heard a deep voiced man say “FINISH HIM”, it was then I could quickly move forward, down, back, forward, down, high punch and gruesomely stabs my opponent with whatever weapon I had handy and decapitate them while an overly exaggerated amount of blood would gush from their body and then disappear.

So now knowing all of this it is a miracle that I am even here writing or able to call myself a writer at all. HAHA, from  just reading this I should be a Gay emo kid with a giant kick ass sword that wields magic powers while I’m tripping on shrooms I find in brick walls as I senselessly abuse animals and murder people in the craziest most hysterical fashion possible.
Luckily I have enough common sense to know all that shit is not real and is for entertainment only, oh yeah probably because my parents actually took the time to tell me that all the video games was just make believe and for fun only. So all of you entertainment bashers out there blaming the video game industry, movies, music, etc for all the school violence and shit would you please take responsibility as a parent and parent your kids or kindly take a heaping dose of Fuck Off!
P.S. I hope all you haters find an invisible wall at the most inconvenient time